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2002:March:17
"That's what keeps me, that's what keeps me,that's what keeps me down. Believe it. Believe. Leave it all behind." At least that is what I think Stipe is saying. This new, new for me, R.E.M, Adventures In Hi Fi, is just knocking me out, I must say to you, gentle reader. I have been listening to it over and over again this weekend. "I couldn't taste it, I'm tired and naked. I don't know what I'm hungry for. I don't know what I want any more." I was grooving on this last night, deep, deep, in analysis of the lyrics, and then, there was a knock at the door. It was someone who I used to kick it with a bit a few months ago. So, I fell, gave in again, gentle reader. I know you might be judging me right now and that is cool. I should not have done it. You are most correct.
Things lasted much longer than they should have, especially after, there was a one sided discussion of basketball or something immediately after the respective money shots.
"You're lived here all your life, right?" was the only question I was asked during this, to which I replied a cranky "No" but he continued, I am afraid. My heart just sank, thinking about how often we had fooled around and this little hobbitt validates me with assimilation with him, his world, his thought. Just get out, I remember thinking. Show's over, put your bra on. I just do not need any of that anymore. It was all so faux passionate, I was a bit drunk and I went with it and it was so empty, just like it always is. I guess I need to stop people when this happens, but I am always so stunned when it is happening and I was over it about halfway through this whole ordeal anyway. So, I try to stay off the streets and it comes to my door. Jeez. What does that say about me?
I felt so different after this one, stranger than I have ever felt. My buzz had evaporated and my eyes were wide and sharp after he finally left. I feel like absolute crap but I do not think I will have any problem turning it down for a while. I want to kiss someone, boy or girl, that cares about me. I seek no validation from this, only some scrap of emotion. I scared myself with how detached I felt during and after. I really think I have some things to get through gentle reader, so please bear with me. Can I ever be honest enough with a lover to open myself up for getting hurt? I do not think I can right now, gentle reader.
I will soon turn 31 and I have never had a relationship that lasted more than 3 or 4 months. I always cut them off. The only thing that has made me smile a bit today is the promise to myself, we shall see if I keep it, which is not to have any more casual sex even if it comes to the door.
Ok, maybe I would make an exception for sex with a girl. Jesus, maybe that is the answer. I am just bored silly with sex with guys. Or rather, casual sex with guys. Darkness fell over me today when I thought of how intensely we kissed. That was all a put on for me. He seemed to like it too and I thought it would help get him on his way faster. Always with the excuses, you are right gentle reader. Time is running out. If I am that far gone that I can turn that much intensity on while hating it, help, help, is celibacy the answer for a while perhaps? I once slept untouched, a long time past, I know, but I have truly forgotton how that feels.
K checked out a book from the library that she left about the apartment in precarious places so I would see it. It was by some award winning gay writer, and it was primarily about some guy who cruised obsessively and the sad creatures he encountered. She never read the book. At least, I do not think that she did. Maybe she knew that was where it was all going. I do not know.
I know, sorry in advance K, she was the only one who ever made me feel truly ashamed for coming out. I was so ashamed K. I know, again, that you were being yourself and that is ok K, but again, I need to see it in print to let it go. I cared so much, at the time, of what you thought of me K, you encouraged my return to Wilmington with such passion.
I do not know when you found out about my new hobby but I knew you already knew and I sensed something from you. I am not as smart as you K, I never will be, but I bleed just like you and I thought we had that at least.
"I think gay people are just disgusting" really broke my heart K. It tore me up because I thought, and I still do even more, K, of you and how very incredible I think you are. This brilliant, beautiful, and sad girl that knew me so well, or I thought she did. I say all this K because I think I am finally going to say goodbye to gay.
For now, anyway.
I guess I wanted to defend myself once again so I can see how far off I really am. I never felt welcome K. But it is so different now, change is so needed for us all. I drifted through our multi-mirrored 4th floor and hated myself for changing. Sexless, easlily humbled Mike, was gone but he was coming back fast. The humbled part anyway. I finally left, you will not believe this, but due to your own advice. I moved away from women, finally, for a while anyway and it did wonders for me. It took a while to shake Shayna after that because I am afraid she wanted to do what I was doing once again and moved out to move in with some stranger and left you high and dry K.
I did not choose Shayna over you K, Shayna was in trouble and she needed me. It was nothing more, nothing less, at the time, but I did have to go and talk to someone after it was all over. It has taken me till now to realize with Shayna that "time has told me/there is really no way/ of ending your troubles/with things you can say" I feel awful saying that, but I am not a professional and I do not know what I am doing when I am around Shayna, now, even. But more on that later.
You fell in love K, moved to NY, and came back and you could not wait to tell me how happy you were with Mark and your life and how miser
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