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2002:March:21
This is not an apology for my previous entry. But rather, a clarification, a apology may come later, in person, if needed, if there are ramifications. I did not say anything that I did not mean, but I was careless, in retrospect, and I choose to take responsibility for what I said about K. K, let me say first, that I am just crackers about you and I always have been. I was saying those things so I can let those things go K. I do hope you do not think that I am trying to get some sort of revenge. If you do, then I have failed miserably, once again, with getting any closer to being myself. I should have told you these things in person. I cannot yet talk like this in person all the time K. I may never be able to. I am trying. I am not trying hard enough, I know. I want to a be a better person. I want to be better in person. I am so comfortable within my own script though. But once I open my mouth, an explosion of reaction is released. I react to my surroundings, people, etc. and I almost immediately lose myself in this. I sometimes really like when you change the subject when I am talking K. I get lost immediately. You are an excellent talker K. I am so relieved to be out of my own head and that is selfish of me. I should be trying harder. I lose myself and it ends up becoming about me when I leave feeling like I did not have anything to say. This is selfish of me and, again, lazy. I should have been more discreet too. I know that it was not my place to defend M. Nor should I have posted more than "M". I do not have a detailed list of other things of this K and M nature. I would not have ever mentioned the "I'm right here" if it had not pained me so when I had heard it. Not my business, I know K, I know M, but I did it because I care. I know that does not make it all right. I should have told you this in person too. True. I tried a few times, but like I was saying before, I was not trying hard enough.
It was passive aggressive of me to bring it up, twice now. But I will not need to talk to you about any of the things I have brought up in previous entries again to you or to anyone. This purging you see before you is honest and true. I have so many other things I have to say, that I cannot wait to say. Soon, I shall tell you, yes, you gentle reader, of a series of "I can smile about it now, but at the time it was terrible" stories. Most of these tales are K, K, and M free. But I think they shall be much fun for those folks too.
"I can't say that I love jesus / that would be a hard reprieve/ he did make some observations/ and I am quoting him today 'judge not, lest need be judged' what a beautiful refrain/" I felt like hell before I wrote all this. My stomach has been flipping and my heart beating fast. Worried. I was worried that my words had done something to K. I only want the best for you and yours K. I want to see M's movie so much and other things at the festival this weekend, but I cannot fight this urge to bury my head in the sand. I need to fix myself. I hope you kids still love me.
My sister e-mailed me on D day, death day, for my biological, supposedly, family. Both of my parents died on March 19th, ten years apart, as you know from previous entries, I think. I knew it was around this time, close to my b-day, but honestly I was not thinking about that, in particular anyway, when I read this message on wednesday, my day off. Me, me, me again. I was thinking about my birthday. Last year, my father's funeral was on my b-day. It did not cross my mind to tell anyone to not bother doing anything for my birthday. Oh dear, when the extended family insisted I come back to the hotel for a family meeting I should have known better. My stepmonster was released. The only time I could safely say that I would rather have left with her. My brother's wife had bought a cake with some crazy plastic mylar tied to it and a mum plant in foil. I remember thinking of the woman who had a birthday party, balloons on the gravesite, for her son who, I think, she had killed or something or the other. I do not remember, it just kept flashing at me in my head. I politely, screaming inside, took a piece of cake from my Aunt Jeanette. Am I evil? I thought. These people have no idea the disdain I was feeling towards them. I felt this way because I was mad at me too. I should have turned around and walked right back out when I saw the cake on the hotel bed. And it is a sweet gesture, but it felt so horrifying to fake it once again, once again to save face. Who am I saving face for now? Me. Jeez. My father had been in the ground for about 2 hours ( there had been a required church meal after the services) and again it is about me and I was so ashamed. Left to think of how I felt about myself and how lame I am for not standing up for myself, I bottled up any grieving, mourning, what have you. I drove back on no sleep. Shayna had insisted that we stay up all night and so I did. I pulled over at some rest area on I-95 because my eyes were playing tricks on me. Even the devil needs to sleep right?
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