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post #53
bio: chris

first post
that week

Previous Posts
On Sting (and other crap)
Things I Say to My Dad, Because (like myself) He Thinks, Irrationally, He's Going to Die Soon
Why Hipstamatic Was Invented
Happy Mother's Day, Y'all
Black Pear Tree (Guest Post from John Darnielle)

How Do You People Know So Much About Me?
Geez, these interweb people sure know a lot about me. Every time I check my email, they find new products to help me with all my problems.

From the looks of it, the interweb people think my dick is too small; I'm not making enough money, and could use some serious debt relief. Oh, and a little herbal Viagra couldn't hurt either. (Geez, first I'm too small. Now I'm too limp. No one will ever sleep with me again!)

In good news, I've been approved! For what, I don't know. But it's always nice to gain approval from someone. Or something. I approve of approval.

Ah. This one's classic. "Are you a junky?" Someone out there thinks I'm a junky. Great. I guess I'm gonna end up like those people in Requiem for a Dream. Somewhere out there, my little limp wienie and I will find ourselves on the business-end of a double-pronged dildo putting on sex shows for heroin. I guess that wouldn't be so bad, if it were Jennifer Connelly on the other end. But I'm guessing that it won't be.

Oh, but wait. "GOD HIMSELF Provides Natural Morphine!" Sweet! All I have to do is go to Church and the almighty gives me a fix! Fawk this heroin shit, I'm getting high on The Lord! Or, rather, the Lord's Morphine.

"You Are Approaching Your Account Size Limit". First I'm too small. Now I'm too big. People, make up your mind.

"Stop Annoying Pop-Ups Now!" If you want me to stop my annoying pop-ups, why are you trying to sell me herbal Viagra?

"Money problems? We Can Help! Sdcvcjtuydcvcyu" Yeah, I make that noise too when I think about money problems.

But wait. I think I just found the solution to all my supposed money woes!

"Sweeter Tasting Sperm! A Taste Women Find More Appealing!" -- Whoa! That's it! I'll bottle my sperm and sell it as a beverage marketed towards women! I'll advertise on Lifetime… who knows, maybe I can get a product placement deal on the next Joanna Kearns movie or something. Perhaps she'll do an ad, too. I can see the slogan now. "Joanna Kearns drinks Honky Cracker's Sweeter Tasting Sperm, and so should you!"

Oy, vey.

But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. A pot of Gold at the end of the rainbow.

"New Survey! Get a Sample of Chocolate Candies". Perfect! I could go for some chocolates. They'll bring my endorphin level up and out of that depressing little funk y'all put me in, with talk of all my problems and supposed deficiencies.

The only problem is I think my sperm tastes sweeter than those chocolates.

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