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post #150
bio: chris
perma-link
1/7/2005
11:17

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Previous Posts
On Sting (and other crap)
Things I Say to My Dad, Because (like myself) He Thinks, Irrationally, He's Going to Die Soon
Why Hipstamatic Was Invented
Happy Mother's Day, Y'all
Black Pear Tree (Guest Post from John Darnielle)
Serendipity






Happy "You Suck!" Friday (or, Things That Suck More Than Kenny Rogers, who, IMHO, Doesn't Suck At All)
(I'm probably gonna catch a lot of flak for this, but...)

COLDPLAY

Yeah, I know it's pretty much standard to hate on Coldplay, so I'm not breaking any new ground here. But I just simply hate them. I can't give you a good reason why. I just do. It's like they're a Fake Cool for the Tiffany's Set. Don't have any tastes or opinions of your own? Just tell people you like Coldplay. They'll think you're edgier than that guy in Research & Development, but completely safe and not dangerous at all. Just tell people that you like Coldplay, and they'll never suspect that you're not really sick when you call in sick. Just tell people you like Coldplay, and you'll never be asked to tell anyone your opinions on anything ever again. Cuz you're a Coldplay fan, and we know everything there is to know about you.

(Now I'm not hating on you Coldplay fans. This is just what Coldplay's music says to me. I know plenty of people who like Coldplay and have many valid and interesting opinions on a wide number of subjects. I like these people. I just don't like Coldplay.)

Another thing about Coldplay -- one of my favorite things to do after I've had a couple of drinks is to talk like the singer from Coldplay. I don't mean I like to talk the way he talks, but rather, I like to talk like he sings. You know, with that flailing lilt that reminds me of the hyper-kid on the playground who just took his sedatives and now he's hanging half-off the monkey bars, trying (and failing) to reach the next rung.

I also like to say "and it was all yellow" after every few sentences.

So Coldplay, you suck.


DASHBOARD CONFESSIONAL

I've actually seen these guys live. Twice. One time, it/they opened for Weezer (and if anybody wants to tell me that Weezer sucks, I'll give you a ten page report on why they don't, and why Pinkerton is one of the ten greatest albums of all-time) and the other time, The Dash played a free concert at Boston's Hatch Shell and well, why not?

You know how with some bands, crazed female fans will sometimes throw their underwear or room keys up onto the stage. Well, Dashboard makes me wanna throw tampons at them, cuz something's gotta stop the bleeding. What are you whining about, Chris Carraba? You're the pretty boy of Fake Emo Indie Rock. You get more pussy than a mosh pit at an Ani DiFranco concert. What's the problem? She left her hair everywhere? Please. You should see my bathtub after I shave my back.

Actually, I should write a song about that... "My back hair/is everywhere..."

Anyways... The Tampon has, in my mind, become the International Symbol of Dashboard Confessional. At the Weezer show, I kept having visions of Rivers Cuomo playing tricks on Chris Carraba -- filling out a fake Tour Rider for Dashboard and having his/their dressing room filled with tampons and douche.

(To all the ladies out there, I apologize. I have nothing against you or your parts, nor do I think that tampons and/or menstruation are symbols of weakness or anything... There's just something about Dashboard's music that reminds me of runny girl-parts. That's all.)

So yeah. Dashboard, you suck.



DENHAM BROWN -- SMALL FORWARD, UNIVERSITY OF CONNECTICUT

Holy crap does this guy suck. He's started for the better part of the last 3 seasons, and he totally blows.

Someone passes the ball, and he just bends over and stands there for about 5 seconds, then dribbles into double coverage. Every freaking time.

Sucks. But he freakin' starts. (most of the time, anyway)

So I thought I'd try adapting the Denham Brown Method into everyday life. I mean, the guy is (well, WAS) a starting D1 forward, so something must be working.

From now on, whenever anybody asks me to do something, I hunch over, look completely lost for about five seconds, and then walk into the first two people I see.

Cuz I'm Denham Brown, and I suck.

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