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post #191
bio: chris

wish list
first post
that week

Previous Posts
On Sting (and other crap)
Things I Say to My Dad, Because (like myself) He Thinks, Irrationally, He's Going to Die Soon
Why Hipstamatic Was Invented
Happy Mother's Day, Y'all
Black Pear Tree (Guest Post from John Darnielle)

Baby Honky
Yes. He's on his way. Found out last night.

Just kidding.

When I was in first grade, I idolized this kid Jeff who was in my class. Jeff had an older brother that was into rock, cars, and Samantha Fox. So Jeff would try to emulate him, and I in turn would try to emulate Jeff.

Jeff had written all those rock band names all over his book covers – like "DEF LEPPARD" and "LED ZEPPELIN". So, of course, I had to copy Jeff, and I wrote them all over my book covers as well. Only I thought Jeff couldn't spell, so I ended up writing "DEAF LEOPARD" and "LEAD ZEPPELIN" on them instead.

My two favorite people in the whole wide world at the time were Hulk Hogan and Michael Jackson. After seeing Hogan and Mr. T team up at Wrestlemania, I started thinking that maybe – just maybe – Michael Jackson could tag team up with Hogan and they could shut up that Rowdy Roddy Piper and that Big John Studd once and for all! I mean, together, Hulk Hogan and Michael Jackson could make dreams come true! They could do anything. The Glove. The Hulk. Can you feel it?

Never happened, though.

My cousin and I used to wrestle the shit out of each other. MY finishing move was called ‘The Trash Compactor", where I'd basically take his head and try to strech his leg over it til he tapped out.

His was called "The Heart Punch", where, basically, he would punch me in the chest. It was pretty lame, but damn did it hurt.

I never fully appreciated him when I was younger, but Rowdy Roddy Piper was the greatest bad guy in history of wrestling.. He was smart, he was funny, he wore a kilt. And he smashed a coconut over Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka's head.

On one episode of Piper's Pit, I remember Piper calling wrestling legend Bruno Sammartino a "greasy wop" or something like that. I didn't know what that was, so I had to ask my dad. And he told me.

That was also the day of my aunt's wedding. So at the reception, I was talking to her new husband and his dad – both big wrestling fans.

"Hey! Did you see that part on Piper's Pit today where Piper called Bruno Sammartino a greasy wop?"

Also, my aunt's new husband and his father were Italian. Very Italian.

They didn't like that so much.

So on that day I decided that I needed to learn every single ethnic slur I could, just to make sure I wouldn't say anything unknowingly offensive to anyone like I just had.

I also really liked that song "Maneater" by Hall and Oates.

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