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post #196
bio: chris

first post
that week

Previous Posts
On Sting (and other crap)
Things I Say to My Dad, Because (like myself) He Thinks, Irrationally, He's Going to Die Soon
Why Hipstamatic Was Invented
Happy Mother's Day, Y'all
Black Pear Tree (Guest Post from John Darnielle)

This Year's Monstrosity
I love my family. I really do. They're great. But three days with them is about all I can take. Nothing against them. They're great. It's just, by day three, there isn't much left to do anymore. And I get tired.

They're funny people, though.

As I've written about before, my parents especially my father are very fond of collecting giant monstrosities of uselessness and placing them all over the house. I've gone on about the bears enough. They have at least four gigantic stuffed bears that are bigger than I am. A few years ago they bought a slot machine, because it's always more fun to gamble against yourself.

This year's monstrosity is a six foot tall fake palm tree with fake Christmas pine needles springing out the top instead of palms.

"Looks real, doesn't it?" my dad beamed.

"Yeah. It looks like a real palm tree fucked a fake plastic Christmas tree, and this is what they gave up for adoption."

Okay. I didn't really say that. Truth is, my folks can get whatever they like, and as long as it makes them happy, it's fine with me. I feel a little but like a douchebag whenever I rag on my parents especially since, thankfully, my father has fully recovered from colon removal surgery that gave us all a nasty little scare. So really, the tree makes me happy. Cuz it's their tree. And they like the tree.

I still like ragging on it, though.

Speaking of my dad... he was going on and on at dinner one might, making a big deal about how he's eating more vegetables and healthy stuff since the surgery. He was especially proud of the fact he was eating peas.

"I'm eating all kind of good-for-you stuff. Peas. Peas are good. I love peas."

A little background here my dad never eats vegetables. Never. All meat, all potatoes, all salt. All the time.

"I even eat lettuce now,".

Ah, iceberg lettuce. That nutritional powerhouse.

"Yeah, they put some on my Chicken Bacon Ranch sub at Subway, and ever since then I'm hooked."

I love that guy.

"I'm started eating salads, too. Mom makes me salads for lunch sometimes."

Well, that's good.

"She puts some lettuce in there. Lots of shredded cheddar cheese. Pepperoni."

I love my parents. I really do. I know this all sounds a little snarky, but they deserve a little snark. Just a little.

They're wonderful people, and I'm very lucky just to have them around. I wouldn't want to have been spawned by any others. They made me me, and I'm thankful for that.

They just make me laugh sometimes.

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