To my body: Dude, I don't know what you're doing lately, but keep it up! It seems the more I try to kill you, the more you just bounce back with a "thank you sir, may I have another?"
To the office cleaning guy: You know, I always feel kinda bad whenever I open the glass doors with my foot. I know you work hard to keep everything clean, but I like opening doors with my feet. This probably makes me an asshole, but whatever. That's just how I roll.
To Coco Crisp: You have no idea how thrilled I am to have a guy named Coco Crisp on the Red Sox. I'm pissed that we had to give up uberprospect Andy Marte to get you, but what's done is done. Welcome to the team.
To Pandas: Pandas. You guys are funny. I know you're trying very hard to become extinct and all. Cut that out.
To the energy drink known as "Crunk": Just when I thought you couldn't get any doper... you become "Crunk: Now With Horny Goat Weed"!
To the Sledge Hammer Season ONE DVD set: YES! Oh, and can you get the DVD people to release the Life Goes On box set? Thanks.
To Stu: I asked because I had a vague recollection of that happening, and that would have been bad. But I may have just been delusional and made it up.
To my glasses: So long, pal. It's been a good run.