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post #229
bio: chris

first post
that week

Previous Posts
On Sting (and other crap)
Things I Say to My Dad, Because (like myself) He Thinks, Irrationally, He's Going to Die Soon
Why Hipstamatic Was Invented
Happy Mother's Day, Y'all
Black Pear Tree (Guest Post from John Darnielle)

I Heart Farts
The greatest joke in the world, to me, is the fart.

I'm not talking about fart jokes. Don't get me wrong. Fart jokes can be funny. They often are. I'm talking about The Fart itself.

Take, for instance, the Public Fart. The act of unexpectedly farting around other people. The setup is perfect. You're standing around, talking to someone or a several people. "Blah, blah, blah! How are you, sir? Oh, good day! I'm not thinking about your butt at all. Nope. Infact, you don't even have a butt, do you? Oh, ho! Of course not. We are civilized people, and civilized people don't have butts! Har, har! Yes..."


"Oh man. What... that was a fart! That person must have... a butt! OMG, I am totally thinking about your butt now. Like, before, a couple of seconds ago, I wasn't even acknowledging the existence of your ass. But now that I've heard it speak, it has become apparent to me that you do indeed have a butt. Har!"

And the farter gets that look on their face, and they start thinking "Oh my god. Did I... was that just me? Oh shit. Everyone's totally thinking about my butt now. My weapon of ass destruction has been located. Please don't stink. Pleasedontstink. Pleasedontst... aw, crap."

I also love the unexpected public fart because, well, it's humanizing. It speaks for the person. It says, "Okay, look, I may think I'm all big and bad. But deep down, I'm capable of making something stinky too. Can't we all just get along?"

Then we all share a laugh. Talk about the smell. Appreciate its nose. And move on, somehow closer to each other than we were before. Because now we know how your farts smell.

This is one of the reasons I enjoy spending time with my brother. We don't talk much. There isn't much to talk about, really. But I can crack him up just by making a fart sound. Sometimes we'll have entire conversations where we're just making fart sounds at each other. For like an hour. I love it.

But the best is when he actually farts. I mean, just the look of glee that comes over his face. Like he's so proud or something. He loves it. He loves making the noise.

Okay, I was lying. That wasn't "the best". This is. Sometimes, you know, my brother and I are just sitting around in the same room doing different things. I'm watching TV. He's playing video games. And then suddenly it hits you. The smell. And he can sense the exact moment when you notice it, because he starts cracking up. Every time, he says "HA HA! I think that was YOUUUUUU!"

The Dating Fart is also awesome. You know what I'm talking about. You've been dating someone for a while, and, inevitably, at some point, the two of you are going to be alone and a little something slips out. And you can't hide from it. At first, you know, you always try to hide the negative parts of yourself from someone you're dating. But the fart makes them face the fact that you stink. Usually, this is a positive thing. It moves you closer together. You've reached the phase where it's OK to fart in front of that other person. And that means something. Because, if things go well, you're actually going to have to poop around them someday, and THAT takes some getting used to.

And there are so many others. The Dog Fart. The Lying In Bed Fart. The Standing Up and Cheering at-a Sporting-Even Fart. The Chamber Music Concert Cello Solo Fart. And, one of my all time favorites, The Call-and-Response Fart.

I could go on, but the farts, they speak for themselves.

You're totally thinking about my butt now, aren't you?

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