2001:May:18
2001
Speaking of pot. I'm conflicted and annoyed with myself. Having recently become -at the age of 28- an infrequent buyer of pot- I find that I really love the stuff. Let me clarify. I love the good stuff. The problem is, I recently treated it like I used to treat cookies - if it's in the house, I gotsta smoke it. So I shifted from a weekend pot smoker to a after work and take a walk every day pot smoker. I couldn't wait for that bag to run out so I would finally have it out of the house. I had (and have) no willpower. My problem? I'm annoyed at myself for censoring myself. If I want to get high, then I feel I should let myself do so without censor. I'm out of pot. I don't have any hanging out with after work friends. My husband is for all practical purposes out of town until Sundays. I greatly enjoy smoking pot and going to that amusing, larger world that my head can create. Not on pot? I sit around and grudgingly clean the house, feel guilty that I'm off work and Mark isn't, watch at least two hours of tv (last night I almost watched the f-ing "Friends" wedding although I came to my senses)and feel dirty, or read books. Every third night or so, I'll drink three beers. On pot? Cleaning the house is fun. Listening to music and playing on the computer is fun. Walking around with my walkman is the MOST fun. Reading becomes Amazing. I feel not afraid to be social, and I'll call people up. Hell, watching tv is a new dimension. In fact, last week I watched "that 70's show" and it was hilarious. My problem? I wish that I could not feel guilty and just smoke pot until I'm sick of it. I'm very cyclical, so it could happen. The one thing I do dislike about pot is how I don't have short term memory on pot, but I have combated this recently by paying attention to what I'm doing. It's worked. So yeah, I'll buy me another bag. I'll feel guilty about it, but I'll be so grateful that I CAN.
