2001:May:29
2001
Although I was barely even tipsy and the Wilmington girls I like best chose not to attend (although of course garnered with EXCELLENT excuses), it was a perfect party. I learned a great deal and grew a bit. This was most likely in large part due to the said non-tipsy state I was in. I learned that parties are mostly painful when you're sober. The press of people more than once freaked me out a bit. I had to take periodic breaks from them. Why was I not drunk or high or a combination therewith? Good question. This state would surely have alleviated in a fell blow my shyness and allowed me to swing around and shabam people with my loud monologues and brays. Well the question leads to another thing I learned. A little context to start: I had thought that my friend Karen McIntyre was going to attend. My astrologer had said that I would have an emotional reckoning and further understanding and emotional closeness with an older woman friend in the month of may. Since I only know two women friends younger than me, it left the gamut wide open. I assumed it would be Karen (and yes, I believed the astrology malarkey). As I had taken the drug, ecstasy, on New Year's Eve, I knew that one of the benefits of it was that it left me wide open and absolutely NO defenses. I was essentially who I am. (This is incidentally why I hoped that everyone I knew would do this amazing drug, but it seems that Mark and I are a bit less fearful of drugs -not alcohol and pot- than 90% of our friends). Kent has the same malady I do (and interest in being who you really are) times 50, so he was absolutely the vanguard for our ecstasy acquisition. He procured it for us, and I pictured not telling a soul I was on it but being very open and non-poisonous and just enjoying everyone. I thought the secrecy would add an element of non-judgmental behavior on the part of the other guests. I was especially interested in using my drug-acquired EASE to forge new levels of friendship. You aren't supposed to drink or smoke on the drug, so I only nursed two decoy beers (for a while). I took the drug at 9pm and waited for the magic to occur. Unfortunately, my entire night consisted of being on stand-by - waiting for the drug to kick in. It was my faux 30th birthday, and I wanted it to be special. Kent and I had tested the suckers. The pills were safe. Turns out, there must have been a tiny tiny portion of ecstasy in the pills as they were duds. At midnight, I grew tired of being sober and expectant and started drinking. It was too late, and my disappointed heart wasn't in it. My conclusion with this experiment? Although it was really fun to see everyone, people are much more engaging when I'm drunk or stoned. There were moments when I was laughing and having a good time, but they were few. I loved seeing other people having a great time, and this has been a comfort to me. Mostly I was in my fairy mood where I wanted to sit invisible and watch the spectacle with no participation and juxtapose it with nature's awe. It was an EXCELLENT weekend all in all though - one of my favorites of a year of tough contenders. Highlights? The Tricky the Cosmanaut show and seeing a real band put on a show just because they love playing together, being felt up by an X-er and grappling with a new society, seeing kent and Greg joust, seeing Rachel and Greg interact, the magical backyard, Leslie's sacrifice, funniest ever - who would have thought five years ago this would be my life moment, and being with Mark. I feel like I let people down by not pulling out party-Kristen, but I'm not too concerned with that. It was interesting to see me sober. I learned a lot.
