2001:August:1
2001
This is dumb Kristen writing again although I think that Kent will get his own column in the soon, and yes, he's a better writer than me and YES I feel arrogant even wanting to be seen again on your computer screen, but it's quite addicting to be "published" even though it may be to four people. A part of me wishes that I could just write for myself, and perhaps I shall. I suppose I don't have THAT many friends - people who have a meeting of the minds with me-, so in my pathetic way, this whole "Kristen's Words" is an attempt to be understood and appreciated by some nameless someone.
This thought I had yesterday - or rather this feeling- inspired me to want to write again on happyrobot: I was driving with Mark to the beach to go look at Mars through our telescope. We were both in sort of a quiet mood. OK yes, I was stoned. Tom Petty's "Here Comes My Girl" came on the radio. After debating whether I should, I mentioned to my husband that this is the first song that a guy ever said "This song sums up everything I feel about you".
In my first relationship, I was one of those girls who wanted an "our song". Every birthday, I would request from Chuck (my first boyfriend) a very cheap present: I wanted him to write how he felt about me in letter form so that I could ruminate over it and cherish it and feel secure. I dreamt of it becoming one of those letters that becomes soft with folding and unfolding. Well, obviously I never got that letter, but I did get this song. We were in this pizza joint in Athens GA (I wish I could remember the name), playing pool and drinking pitchers of beer. This song came on the jukebox. I had never listened to it before as I'm no Tom Petty owner. At first, I thought it was the gayest, most proprietary song ever. To me, it said "I am an insecure guy. You are my first girlfriend, and you make me feel more secure because I now have a girlfriend".
Ten years ago, Chuck was my first boyfriend that I was myself with (my second boyfriend). I was a prototype of me at the time. Fast forward ten years. I'm in the car with my husband who I adore and feel is the most amazing gift from the universe I could imagine telling him that this is the only song that anyone ever said was about me (it's kind of one of my stories like the one where the only man who ever called me totally amazingly beautiful was a legally blind guy). Mark's always very guiet when he's stoned (in fact, we don't really mesh well when we're both stoned and alone together as I get very very very je ne sais quoi), so I actually listened to the song.
Here comes the strange part. You know how you always end relationships and the old boyfriends are always someone that you REMEMBER that you really love? You only remember the love because you remember the things you did - like writing "I'm so miserable because I'm not loved..." in your diary, or throwing a glass at the wall, crying like a crazy person etc when it ended? You don't remember the feeling. You just remember the STUFF YOU DID and wrote. Well, at that moment in the song, (and it's true. I don't feel it now, I'm just remembering that I felt it yesterday) when Tom says "she looks me in the eye ... I put my arms around her...we know we ain't never gonna feel so free so right... right now...we can tell the whole wide world to shove it"... I honest to god FELT first love again. I could barely breathe it was so intense. I felt like the callouses had been removed and I just LOVED Chuck like a twenty-year-old does. Let me tell you, it felt exactly right on. I had totally forgotten how real it all is to you when you're in the moment. It was as odd as if a spaceship had landed on the roof of my car and then went away without Mark seeing it. I mean, I thought of Chuck as a minor, baby boyfriend. It was so strange that I haven't even told Mark about it yet.
So, I'm back a little bit.
