2001:August:21
2001
Did you ever think it would come to this? I'm absolutely out of conversation. I find trading tidbits about my day and other's day banal. I find soul examinations and "what is it all for" convesation blah. I find man/woman conversation inane. I mean I can do it. I can still muster up the ole box vox, but that's it. The only "interesting" conversation I ever have (and it's only interesting to ME because I find it puzzling) is that I wonder out-loud to Mark if everyone in the world is deluded and damn-it wants to stay that way. Go on with you all. Go chase your green paper. Go chase your "cool" situations and anecdotes. Go force yourself to be "creative" (as if I even think that can be done) because you feel you must "prove" your worth to yourself. Go give yourself goals so that you can tolerate the now. Me? I'm quite fortunate to not be sitting in the street sleeping on cardboard and eating out of trashcans. For whatever reason, I evolved into my present surroundings. They could all disappear. I could imagine myself happy. I could imagine myself sad. I'm just sitting here looking for someone to talk to and something to talk about.
Is this another of my moods? I'm not happy or sad or mopey or mad. It's a rare feeling, but I'm not mad at anyone or have venom in my heart for anyone. I'm just out of words. Maybe I should start drinking coffee every day.
