2001:September:19
2001
"Not that much to say I guess. You're just the same as all the rest: you've been trying to throw your arms around the world. I'm going to run to you." (an example of Bono singing to me - see posting #4987).
I've a chip on my shoulder. I apologize for the slight bitchy tone it must color my writings with. I've decided to go further meglo and compile a F.A.G. about myself. Thank you for reading me. Just imaging someone out there "looking" at me helps me feel less festering.
1. Why do you write on this site?
A. Two words: I know Rich. I feel lucky to write on this site. While I've always kept a journal in times of personal lowness, this forum has helped me immensely. I think you can say that it's changed my life. It wouldn't matter to me if none of you read this. It's the possibility of unveiling and opening my true self up that makes this attractive to me. Someone understanding is obviously great as well. This telling how I feel is a new occurrence to me. Coming from a very surfacely-oriented family, I'm probably too far into the "TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE" mode, but c'est moi.
2. You are obviously a poor, confusing writer and you have obviously hurt people who liked you (notice emphasis on past tense). What do you say to that you big huge bitch?
I see "Kristen's Words" a different way than other people seem to see it. (First off, it's not as if it's real truth - just my opinion.) I feel that it's me giving you a look at how I feel. I don't get to hear what you think of me or what you say to your lover in private; but you get to hear what I think. I stand by anything I write or have written. I'm not going to say it wasn't how I felt at the time. Castigating me would sort of be the equivalent of me taking your diary and throwing your words at you. I'm a terribly shy person whose greatest hope is to find a dynamic group people to sit comfortably with and laugh and converse while Rome burns. I would love to have you as my friend if you're willing to take me on. You just have to know that both you and I are full of shit (sure, me more than you).
3. Are the poor slobs who call themselves your friends all alike? Depressed, sanctimonious, full of themselves, and losers?
I'll try not to answer this defensively. I don't really know who would call themselves my friend, but the people I currently hang out with do share a certain dismay with the world - yes. I think anyone worth hanging out with would realize that indeed "all the world's a stage". I enjoy fraternizing with fellow actors. Only one friend is one I would call depressed. We're all full of ourselves. I don't think anyone who learns and has an open mind is a loser.
4. If you could change the world in any way, how would you do it?
One of my rants is about birth control... another about hypocrisy... another is about buddhism... another is about... I wouldn't change a thing about the world. It's all an experience. It's here, it's queer.
5. You're always going on about not having children and thinking people are dopes for having them. Do you HATE children? If so, I hate you.
This is one of my favorite questions. I have several mothers in my circle of acquaintances, so it must be something I'm supposed to deal with. Who HATES children!!!???? I get so annoyed when people start apologizing for children being around me, etc. There are some children I really, really like. As a former child myself, I greatly appreciate the value of children. However, I don't condone people having children because they've been consciously or subconsciously told to do so (yes, that means YOU too awful Catholic church). As my beloved Jeff Drake (who I ended up hurting) pointed out: dryvn n cryn said it best "It's not that it's right or it's wrong. It just ain't for me."
6. Do you hate big weddings and think people who do them are assholes?
"I do" hate big weddings. I think they are utterly retarded. I especially dislike religious weddings unless you are someone who is religious. I think it's horribly wrong to pretend for your parent's sake. Hello? Like you, your parents are going to die (probably sooner than you). Why not let them see who you are and give them a chance to support you? Of course, if you are someone who's always wanted to be a princess and have a "special day" that's perfectly valid. At least you're honest. Big weddings reek of hypocrisy (not to mention the whole institution of marriage). THAT SAID, I essentially do not care what YOU do with your life. It's just my dumb opinion. I think many people who have big weddings are wonderful - not assholes at all.
7. Who are you?
I wish I could tell you.
8. Do you think you're brilliant and smarter than all of us?
I'll try not to bullshit. As a child, I think I built this magic and aura around myself to shelter me. I consciously KNOW that I must not be that great and that I must be just slogging along like the rest of you. BUT, I honestly FEEL that I'm about a million times more evolved than most of you. I have delusions of grandeur -sure. This may still be a protection device that I carry in my head. My most angst-ridden times of my life have been the supreme ISOLATION that I have from the rest of you - mentally. This is not to say that I feel I'm perfect, right, BETTER, or brilliant. Because I was told so, I used to attribute this isolation as an INTELLIGENT one. You all know that story of how I was tested "highest ever" in IQ at Cherokee County and told I was smart, smart, smart. It was only recently that I realized the futility in thinking in my head "I'm probably more intelligent than all of you". Oh it's all so bullshit. So, no, I don't at all feel that I'm better than anyone or brilliant. I just have one area where I've "evolved". As I said in my last posting before Kent took over for a month, my "special talent" is in understanding myself and unconditionally loving myself. (I love all of you in theory.) Here's something to piss you off further: Not only do I find most of you in your current stage, trivial to talk with (not that I'm doing all that much with my time otherwise however), but I actually view Kristen's Words as a device to help you find the courage to shackle off your own deceptions. That said, I'm soooooooo lucky. I have found my version of spirituality, although it could end at any time.
9. So you do think you're better than us don't you?
Yes and no.
