2001:September:27
2001
"Vince" is one of those people who I perceive (duh) as relying entirely on outside factors for his happiness. He has such great potential. I'm also sure he feels threatened by me even beginning to talk about HIS problem.
I've been where I perceive him to be (although obviously everything I say next isn't going to exactly approximate Vince's sitch - or even come close necessarily). I've been horribly negative and defeatist. I wallowed in misery for years here in Wilmington wondering what shitty thing was going to happen to me next and thinking that I might as well kill myself for all that I mattered. Kent can tell you, there were many times that I sat on my window ledge on the fifth floor of my apartment building crying because I was MISERABLE and too chicken to jump (Kent was my roommate and would open the door to my room and see me). None of this was MY fault. I made a million excuses as to why I couldn't get my life started. One was that no one understood MY pain and specifically all the myriad of complicated reasons as to WHY I was so screwed (of course it was me screwing myself essentially). As you know, my father sexually molested me (no sex thank god, but instant HELLISH secret BETRAYAL) and my mother was distant and fretted about my hair so much there was no room for concern over my mind (she's getting better now).
So I blamed my parents (yes, avid Reader, I'm going to again tell "the story" again) for all that I was: a pitiful, lonely, doomed tragic lass - cast adrift in this cruel world with no one to trust. I had a sadness that was palpable. One night (and god I used to get claustrophobic when night would arrive), I was alone (because I had isolated all of my friends, and was too maudlin to call acquaintances) with a great idea about what to write (I used to keep such journal entries private) on my word processor. This was it. I would finally sit down and categorize every single reason and cause as to why I couldn't even begin to function or even be expected to function in this horrible world. I would write about my father and mother and all the fiends who hurt me because they didn't understand me. Everyone! I was going to catharticize.
As I started writing, I realized how whiny it all sounded. I honestly had never noticed what a "brave lil' soldier" I felt I was, and how pissed I was that no one appreciated how hard it was for me to even function. It wasn't MY fault, but everyone seemed to be waiting for ME to fix myself. How could I? My father had betrayed me. I had no money because I didn't want to have to fake it in the fake business world. I had no friends because no one could live up to my impossible high standards (I had even higher ones then. It was my way or the highway). I had no friends because I hated myself. This is when I had the big turn in my head: am I going to blame my grandmothers for raising my parents who raised shittly little me? Am I going to blame my great grandparents? Where would any of this blame get me? Why not just accept what I am right now and start from this point forward?
Now obviously, I didn't get a big grin on my face and start candy-striping (do you think "obviously" is the second most used word behind "I"), BUT I did take off the black cape I had been wearing and exposed my pasty skin to the world. The HUGE thing that happened (and I only JUST realized it from writing this) is that I became internally dependent instead of externally dependent. I was content inside MYSELF. I forgave and sloughed off "the world" and found that I truly loved myself more than anything and that if no one was ever going to discover how fabulous I was, THAT was not my concern. I was going to quit my hated job at the film commission, and get a menial job at the library or a bookstore and live downtown and read books until I died. My desperate CONSUMING need for a mate dissolved. I was going to be my mate. This was a MONUMENTAL change for me, but it was so subtle I doubt anyone could see it for years (which is why I love having Kent and Mike in my life so I can validate - isn't it amazing how different I am?) I SWEAR TO YOU that I "significantly" ran into Mark four days later. I didn't even need him. When he first said he wanted to kiss me, it was a total shock. This man who I had fallen in "love at first sight" with three years ago wanted to kiss me, and I had sincerely been so intent on using him as a bounceboard for being able to look inside my newly amazing self futher, that I didn't even see an inkling of it coming. That is quite strange for a person who had been consumed with finding a soulmate five days earlier. (And I was still a very f-ed up little girl for about one or two years. Now I'm just f-ed up).
Vince (and many many others) says that I have a huge log in my eye while I'm busy pointing out splinters in others. As I pointed out in posting #5673, I'm intrigued with what "my big problem" is, and cautiously PUT OUT that no one loves me enough to tell ME that I've got a big piece of spinach in my soul and it's right (fill in the blank). I don't at all think I don't have one. I'll tell you BRIEFLY (and I'm oh so procrastinating getting to work on my lesson plan writing project) what I think MY LOG (pun) must consist of: (sorry to bore you with it again) I'm unable to be open and give to people who I perceive as being both deluded and (this is a big and) seemingly uninterested in learning/listening. It's not a huge thing as I'm not pining for friends right now, AND I don't think people are sad if they don't get me "open and giving". What would they care? Also, I get tooo high on myself as being "great wise one", and I do try to explain how much of a loser I am to allay this. I'll say it again: I really am only confident in one thing and that is that I KNOW MYSELF COMPLETELY and love my self UNCONDITIONALLY (wow, two things). It is my ONE assured superpower, and it has gotten me everywhere I am today. (It's something I'm sure other people have in spades). Other than that, I have a million "flaws": a smattering of judgmentalness (although although although I further weeny out by saying that although I am judgmental, I can easily be swayed with the introduction of new facts and I'll form a new judgment - I'm a constantly updated judgmental). I like to be right too much. I'm convicted to my opinions.... The beat goes on.
Now, I've dallied enough. I'm off to work on this project I've been putting off forever. Oh it's tedious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
P.S. Why I've even bored you all with this posting.... I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to come off like: I'm perfect and you're not. I don't know shit about ambition, craftsmanship, optimism, true female friendship, joy in discovery, exploration, uniform happiness, being content living in society, joy of skinbaby motherhood, etc. I do know shit about ME, jealousy, futility, undercurrents, depression, darkness, passion, pot, deep dark interiors, intelligent males, dysfuctional families, betrayal, unrequited fantasy love, soulmates, honesty as a way of life, etc.
