2001:October:1
2001
I'm going to do internet research on PMS in hopes to have something to blame my behavior on. I'm on my last month of the Norplant, and my mood has swung like a mofo. I also don't seem to have the ability to talk like a normal person.
Arghhhhhhhhh. I did the deadly combo again (and for the usual reasons of utter fear and chickenness). If I don't know you very well or feel insecure because you're more "good" than me, I'll try any way I can to anesthetize myself before I come in contact with you (especially if I feel that you might not like me). The result? I become a wasted fool who talks as if I'm the most interesting, funny leader of the free world. The people who I feared don't like me indeed do not like me.
Ach you should have seen me. My lover wanted to "go out". He actually said the words "Let's go out". I, myself, did not want to go, but I made arrangements anyhoo. Fast forward two hours later, and I'm crying hysterically the last five blocks home because Mark has told me that while I was obliviously cackling and hoo-hah-ing loudly, I was being INCREDIBLY cruel and mean. He thinks it's impossible that I didn't realize how hurtful I was being, but I can sorrowfully swear to you, dear Reader, that I didn't intend to hurt at all and didn't even realize I was (although I have to defer to Mark's more sober opinion). I viewed myself as honestly expressing my first pre-impression of the person I hurt. For some deluded reason, I actually thought that I was telling her that before I met her, I had thought she was this ice princess beautiful rich-bitch snob who would never dilly with a loser like me. I was telling how my first real contact with her enforced that pre-perception, BUT ISN'T IT FUNNY how wrong I was. Obviously, the part I didn't convey very well must have been that she was actually nothing like I first thought she was. Here I was thinking she was confused about why I would think she was rich, and I was cataloging all that I had heard about her before I met her. Ay yi yi! My "favorite" clueless part of the evening was her telling Mark furiously "Can't you SHUT HER UP?" and me probably smiling as if it was a joke still trying to backpedal furiously.
So, I've still got my size XXL hairshirt on from yesterday. Arghhhh. I wish I could just shut up. I have so much "theory" boiling inside of me, but it surely doesn't matter if anyone knows about it. I wonder why the f- I can't just sit back and listen to people talk and interject appropriate responses OR maybe innocent stories about my day. Why do I have this MANIA to keep it frighteningly real? My huge-est problem is always that I'm fine with myself and the "naughty" people in our crowd/pack, but put me near the "nice" people and I'm p-p-p-poison. In fact, I wouldn't think any of the nice people like me, and I wouldn't blame them. I only very rarely have the nerve to be around them sober, and when I am, I just shoot the breeze with my mother's polite smile plastered on my face. I.E. I'm either tipsy or in my eyes "fake polite". Who would like that? (rhetorical question)
Argh, so gentle reader, not only do I offend in print, but I also offend in person. So finally, I've knocked myself off my high horse. It was about time because I was beginning to think that I was this great, enlightened person who was liked for who I really was blah blah blah and could say whatever I wanted and it would be appreciated as the soul of frank communication. I thought my lover and I could breeze through life on my newfound impressions. Now, my husband is very unemployed with no job prospects (even the one he had in his back pocket) except to hang on and be a grateful whore to the film industry. My "life" energy is knocked down to 60%, and I have this horrible spectre of debt and friendlessness. The old familiar shadow of depression is even back (I even wondered briefly what the point of living was yesterday.) I've been sinfully contented since June, so it is soooooo relieving (in a sick way) that it's a bit over. Lack of confidence, whiny-ness, paranoia, self-doubt, and fear of the future are things I can deal with. This is my life. I'm even having doubts about whether this teacher thing is so very "right on" with me. It's sooooooo annoying to never really have any "free" freetime. There's always something I'm putting off doing when I do nothing now. But what else would I do? Continue doing this?
