2001:October:18
2001
I suppose it's because I've been into an absorbing cycle lately, but I can't stop thinking about that out-of-body experience (and probably the root of my fascination with mind-expanding drugs) I had the first year I lived in Wilmington (when I lived out by the college because I didn't know to live downtown yet). I'm sure it was some stupid, drug-induced image, but I have thought of that "spirit lady" several times in the past few months. At the time, it was the very first time I'd ever felt connected to a larger whole in my life. My family was nominally methodist or catholic or southern baptist or unitarianism, but those things never really resonated with me (although oddly catholicism's pageantry and ritual moved me the most). I've written about this before, but it was sooooo amazing to FEEL the things I felt while under the influence of this drug. Hell, I'll recap the moment. I have nothing else to say....
The first strange thing: I spoke to my beloved, dead grandmother -although I knew she wasn't there - and was spiritually in her comforting apartment as well as in my own physical location. I told her how much I missed her and loved her - things I could not tell her myself as I was only eleven when she went senile. It was such a healing, honest experience. I felt like I was the wisest, most serene person I could be. I felt better in my head - talking to dead people and hallucinating - than I have ever felt on this earth talking to humans (of course in my head, I could make up anything I wanted).
The second strange thing: I've ALWAYS been a horrible dancer. That night (Kent was sober and concurred), I danced wholly and could finally understand what the big deal about dancing was - why you always see it in the bible and on footloose. Kent said I was mesmirizingly beautiful, and I felt that I was. I have never danced well afterwards
The third strange thing: I had tremendous access to things that I thought but had never previously said. This was the first time that I had ever been honest with myself. The very first time I'd ever tapped into myself. I talked out loud to myself for what seemed like an hour - telling myself how much I loved me and understood. I said things aloud. It felt amazing. It felt like I was dissolving my cage.
The fourth strange thing: This one is the most profound thing. This happened at the end of my experience. I would close my eyes and see things (later I learned these are called "eyelid movies"). The first thing I saw was a canal in Venice (I had just read "The passion"). Then things just ran from there. It was indescribable. No matter if it was all fictions invented in my head, I never EVER would have thought I could even manufacture such images and beautiful things. Slowly, my focus started traveling all over the planet. I saw humans as these sad, deluded, beloved creatures struggling to find meaning from the strangest things. It was so sad, but I understood the reason. (I also saw a bunch of people at night at a King Arthur-style, outdoor huge stone table. I was sitting at the table. Kent was there but not sitting with me. Most people were obscured from my view, but there were about forty people milling about. This part doesn't really make sense to me, so I put it in parenthesis). I recognized in my head that I was comprehending the meaning of life. I was being shown what it all really meant. I was absolutely certain. It made absolute, inutterable sense. At this point, I realized I was being guided or shadowed by a presence. I realized also that I would forget all of this. I was saddened but I understood. My guide, the "spirit lady", communicated that she had shown me all of this to help me, and that I merited it. She communicated to me that anything I do on this earth is fine. I could relax and not get so worked up over things. She indicated that this life was just a training ground sort of place where everything is chaotic and hard to understand if you are of a certain frame of mind. She said that when I died, I would be free, but that I would stay on earth and exist however I chose. I wanted to stay with her and in that state, but she separated from me, and it was just like that sistine chapel painting where the fingers of god and some man are touching. At that moment, I was as lucid as before the drug. (although touches of the euphoria stayed with me - even sometimes now).
I can't quite figure out this experience. If it was a dream and all in my head, no matter - it was the most helpful, profound dream I've ever had. I can honestly say now that something switched on inside of me from that point on.
So, I had nothing else to write, and this WAS what I was thinking about today. I feel very reluctant to even post this, but oh well.
