2001:October:20
2001
Of course in thinking of people to call, I thought of people that I didn't feel comfortable calling but used to could. I have this friend who I really learned a great lesson from her, but she backed off before she could benefit from me learning my lesson (this happens too mee all the time. I have to work through people pretty intensely, but the ones who are patient and honest and truth telling are the big prizes anyway.). Not that it mattered to her. She didn't really need me in the way that I need people (sort of I like I'm a spiritual vampire, but hopefully, my poison kills the cancer in them). God, I can't believe that last parenthetical statement, the GALL of me (the gaul of me). !. !.
Anyhoo, so I thought of a sort of "revenge" for her (and good god, it involves astrology). (It did hurt my feelings that she didn't want me as a friend because she thought I was weird - although of course, essentially none of it means anything). Anyway, I thought of saying to this girl: "you know the reason I flaked out on you and was cruel? It was because I think you are a coward, and I'm too chicken to tell you - even just to have you clear me up - and that makes me very explosive - like a fart you've held in almost too long." I mean, I would really love to say this to this girl, but more specifically, I would love to have her understand that I'm telling her my truth because I respect her enough to play straight with her.
The thing I've recently learned about myself (and think you everyone around me for being my continual therapy) is that I'm sometimes full of shit and I'm sometimes not. No seriously, yahoo.... I've learned if I'm unable to be honest with someone - if they get their feeelings hurt because they (of course) misunderstand me say - then I feel like a virtuous princess being called a cold whore. I am like a simmering pot. This is the reason I don't enjoy hanging around with people I have learned I can't be completely real with. I simmer subconsciously (although I'm becoming emergingly aware of it) (Argghhhh "O brag Dee o brag da life goes on" is on, and i can't but help of 'tard kid)....
Just hung up from a phonecall, and now I'm going to check on my pond.
