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Monday, November 10, 2003
Beth Does Philadelphia

I just spent three action packed days in Philadelphia. Went to a gay burlesque show--went to a fetish party and saw a friend of mine get several good spankings, saw people walk on Carpet Boy, saw lots of man ass hanging out of leather chaps--good stuff. A lot of cool shit happened, but a few key phrases developed and I must share.

One of the first places I passed is called the "Please Touch Museum." It's a joint where kids are welcome to go mess with any/everything in the place. Cool. But my first, very wrong reaction to the name of the place was, "Oh. That should be the Please Touch Me Museum."

Something is horribly wrong with me.

There is a lovely cooking show on my beloved Food Network called 'Nigella Bites'. Nigella is a British vixen who just radiates sex without even trying. I heard someone say that Nigella seems like she wants to take everything she cooks and "stick it up her twat!"

Is there a lovely pair of shoes your eyeing? Did you just buy your new favorite t-shirt? Did your favorite band just put out a great album? Well celebrate it and stick it up your twat! Or if you don't have a twat--well--I hate it for you.

There is a certain former Army guy a friend of mine knows. He was once in another country and horny as he could be. He was told the local ass was hugely disease ridden and hiring said ass was a very bad idea. So he found himself a nice, overly ripe melon and had his manly way with it. This made friends wonder about things like 'did he seed the melon before he re-seeded it?' and 'did he round off the edges of the hole he cut in the melon?'--all of this leading to the major question, "How do you fuck a melon?"

Any time an obstacle presents itself, ask yourself, "How am I going to fuck this melon?"

Speaking of which, it's early--I don't know why I'm awake and writing about twats and melon fucking--and I think I'm going to go brush my teeth--and ponder my day. Or more specifically put, "It's Monday. It's 7am. I don't have a job. I'm hungover. I need to go to the gym but I really don't want to. There's a whole german chocolate cake in the fridge. I know EXACTLY how I'm going to fuck this melon."

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