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Why I Do Not Practice Law - A Poo Story

It is 8AM and I am in a hotel room in a faraway city. I have an all-day interview with a medium-sized, prestigious law firm (we're talking starting salaries at about $125K) scheduled to begin at 9AM. The room is astonishing, much nicer than anything I could afford. It, obviously - as well as my travel expenses, is on the firm.

Which only makes my problem more severe. My problem, since you asked, is diarrhea. It started when I woke up at 6:30. Perfectly natural, I thought. I took a shower to clean up and feel fresh. My suit is expensive - for me - tropical weight wool. I have just tucked my shirttail into my pants when it happened again. By surprise. Wet, warm and foul. The backs of my legs were swamped. I managed to get my trousers down before things became severe. My pants, as well as my underwear and the back of my neatly pressed shirt, were ruined.

That was at eight. I'm sitting on the toilet wondering what my next step should be. I only have one suit and definitely cannot wear it in public, much less a closed office/interview environment. Plus, this situation only seems to be worsening. I cannot believe how much volume is coming out of my body, not to mention at such unpredictable intervals.

Sucking it up, I pick up my cellphone to "call in sick" to my interview. How do you explain this? "I have explosive diarrhea." I don't think that's going to fly. "I feel bad." Please. I call the firm, determined to do my best to exlain the situation, but I never got a chance. The second someone answered, my bowels went off again, instantly. I hung up the phone and sat there. For awhile. 8AM turned into 9AM, 9 turned to 10.

Finally, I resolved not to call at all, but just skip out. My future, as decided for me by my miserable bowels, was not in the law. I decided that my body was telling me something, something huge and important that would change my life forever. My choice was to listen to it's warning and save myself a lifetime of miserable shittiness (literally!) or ignore it and pay the consequences.

It was an easy choice. I felt better at once. I dressed in street clothes, wadded up my suit in a plastic trash bag, and bought a cheap bus ticket out of town.

That firm, you may be wondering, never contacted me again. I was a little worried about having to pay them back for their expenses, but they just let it go, I guess.

That is why, to this day, despite my expensive education, I never practiced law. Now you know.

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post #462
bio: blaine

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April - National Poetry Month 2008

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