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post #24
bio: stu

first post
that week
my links

Favorite Things
· The Flaming R. Kelly
· Malfatti
· Johnny Cash
· Chuck Klosterman
· Deadwood, Seasons 1 & 2

Previous Posts
Notes on Sobriety
Republicans Are Tough Guys
Brain Fog
Clown Posse
Uber, but For Wrong Numbers
On the Greatest Political Satire of the 21st Century


Category List
February Smackdown
Literary Shit
Mad Craziness
Random 10


Man of God (This is Spam)
While spelunking through one of my numerous old email accounts, culling the useless stuff and making the move over to my gmail account (let me know if you need an invite, incidentally), I discovered via an old message something I'd long since forgotten: not only am I a college grad (with the nigh useless English degree), but I also happen to be a man of the cloth.

That's right--despite my having been an atheist for just over half my life, I am nevertheless The Reverend Post-Modern Drunkard. I could have gone with the Most Holy Post-Modern Drunkard, when given the option, but at the time I felt that that would probably have been pushing my luck: when flipping the bird towards the ineffable, it's best to do it with a sheepish grin rather than a snarl, no matter which side of Pascal's Wager you happen to have your chips stacked on. Put another way, try not to go All In against God: He is a much better bluffer than you.

But yes, it comes back to me now: how late one poteen-drenched night in lovely Eire, how me and my similarly ratarsed Irish mates pushed through the smoke (with a liberal mix of tar, nicotine, and THC dangling in the air) and all got ourselves ordained into the Universal Life Church, a sect that makes even the Ba'hai and Unitarian Universalist Churches look as exclusionary as the Freemasons: they proselytize and ordain solely over the Internet. No matter how many or few friends you have, or whether you suffer from a severe case of agoraphobia, you can become a man of the cloth. Thus, everyone from the Homecoming Queen to geeks taking a break from arguing whether Greedo should have fired first: all can be brought into the flock.

Sure, being part of the Flock mostly consists of receiving divine emails from the Holy Tabernacle Server...if they didn't come from the One True Church, you'd probably classify them as "spam."

Oh well. All have sinned and fallen short.

But the upside is--once you up the protection on your spam guard and move the missives from On High to your Ignore list--is that you're a bone fide Man of God (or Woman, of course). It's not quite as great as being a Doctor of Journalism like the immortal Hunter S. Thompson (an object of some misguided idolatry from me at the time of my ordination), but then again, Sai Gonzo can't officiate over a wedding, can he?

That's right: the other benefit of my priesthood--aside from the joy brought to my life by clicking "This is Spam,"--is that I can say "by the power vested in me..." and actually mean it! This godless heathen nevertheless has mad matrimonial skillz, yo.

Also, as an added benefit, I can ordain others to my heart's content. The only rule is that they be willing--no going around ordaining people willy-nilly. No surreptitious ordinations for me! Just consensual ones (and for god's sake, wear some protection: a cross, an ankh, a yarmulke--you can never be too careful in this Fallen World, say thankya).


Post-Modern Drunkard: for all your priestly needs.

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