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Now accepting applications
A position just opened up in my organization, and I thought I would give my fellow happyroboteers first crack at applying for this prestigious job.
: One (1) woman for me to fall in love with hopelessly, stupidly, illogically. No prior experience necessary.
: Must be charming, beautiful, funny, smart, and hopelessly unattainable. All people who I may have a shot with will have their applications rejected summarily and without mercy.
Must be some combination of the following:
More than 500 miles away
In a long term relationship with someone you love deeply and would never leave
hopelessly out of my league
Not looking to date anyone at all
Actually a lesbian
Have dated a family member or close friend of mine
A fictional character (1st priority goes to Lorelai Gilmore or Franny Glass, should they apply)
Ignoring my constant pining for you
Giving misleading signals whenever we interact
Being heart-rendingly charming, beautiful, funny, smart, and hopelessly unattainable (see qualifications)
Reading assorted emails written under the influence of alcohol and sleep-deprivation (a casual acquaintance with returning phone calls or emails is preferred). Light filing involved.
Complaining about your inability to find love / ignoring the love I offer freely
: Everything I have to give and more. Salary negotiable.