Drinking Resolutions "Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut." -Ernest Hemingway
When you take up drinking, you form--consciously or not--a series of guidelines and caveats: the things you will never do as a result of a booze. You may say to yourself, "as bad as I am, at least I never..."
This is mine. Ones that I have subsequently done are in bold.
As bad as I am, at least I will never...
call in sick because I'm hungover
call in sick because I was still drunk
go to work still drunk
drink before work
drink while at work (surreptitiously, that is. Drinking at an office party is okay)
sleep with someone I wouldn't have if I were sober
drink until I throw up
drink until I black out
tell my boss what I really think of him/her under the influence
pass out in a gutter, sleep on the street, on a park bench, etc.
kill someone just to watch him die
be unable to go a day without a drink
drive while drunk
urinate in public
urinate on myself
panhandle/busk for booze money
lie to a friend/family member about my drinking habits.
get dumped because of my drinking habits
miss an entire day of work sleeping off a binge
drink gin again
buy a round for the bar
finish a liter of hard alcohol on my own in a single day
confess my love to someone while under the influence
drink in the shower
pass out at a party under or behind furniture
literally fall down drunk
set myself on fire with high proof booze
write my name upside down on my shirt so I wouldn't forget it
missed my subway stop
gotten lost on the way home
been hospitalized directly or indirectly because of alcohol
Apparently, I'm not doing so well on my resolutions.