Post-Modern Drunk: Drinking Resolutions
"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut."
-Ernest Hemingway

When you take up drinking, you form--consciously or not--a series of guidelines and caveats: the things you will never do as a result of a booze. You may say to yourself, "as bad as I am, at least I never..."

This is mine. Ones that I have subsequently done are in bold.

As bad as I am, at least I will never...

• call in sick because I'm hungover
  
• call in sick because I was still drunk
  
• go to work still drunk
  
• drink before work
  
• drink while at work (surreptitiously, that is. Drinking at an office party is okay)
  
• sleep with someone I wouldn't have if I were sober
  
• drink until I throw up
  
• drink until I black out
  
• tell my boss what I really think of him/her under the influence
  
• pass out in a gutter, sleep on the street, on a park bench, etc.
  
• kill someone just to watch him die
  
• be unable to go a day without a drink
  
• drive while drunk
  
• urinate in public
  
• urinate on myself
  
• panhandle/busk for booze money
  
• lie to a friend/family member about my drinking habits.
  
• get dumped because of my drinking habits
  
• miss an entire day of work sleeping off a binge
  
• drink gin again
  
• buy a round for the bar
  
• finish a liter of hard alcohol on my own in a single day
  
• confess my love to someone while under the influence
  
• drink in the shower
  
• pass out at a party under or behind furniture
  
• literally fall down drunk
  
• set myself on fire with high proof booze
  
• sing karaoke
  
• write my name upside down on my shirt so I wouldn't forget it
  
• missed my subway stop
  
• gotten lost on the way home
  
• gotten mugged
  
• been hospitalized directly or indirectly because of alcohol

Apparently, I'm not doing so well on my resolutions.

---

«« (back)				(forward) »»
the league of extraordinary gentlemen				friday random ten (10/7/05)

---