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post #141
bio: stu

first post
that week
my links

Favorite Things
· The Flaming R. Kelly
· Malfatti
· Johnny Cash
· Chuck Klosterman
· Deadwood, Seasons 1 & 2

Previous Posts
Notes on Sobriety
Republicans Are Tough Guys
Brain Fog
Clown Posse
Uber, but For Wrong Numbers
On the Greatest Political Satire of the 21st Century


Category List
February Smackdown
Literary Shit
Mad Craziness
Random 10


I Love You But I've Chosen Snarkiness

Why I Might Not Die at a Young Age, After All
On the subway today, a young black man interpreted my constant attempt to rearrange my camera and cellphone in my pocket--in the interest of comfort, mind you--as my paranoid belief that he was going to steal them both the moment I looked the other way.

"If I make you that fuckin' nervous, perhaps you should fuckin' move."
"I said, if I make you that fuckin' nervous, perhaps you better move."
"Dude! I don't think you're going to steal my crappy cell phone. I'm trying not to jab you with it." (Yes, I actually said, "Dude!")

Not a year ago, I might have responded with naked stupid aggression. I don't take criticism very well. Perhaps this is a sign that I've matured. Or that I'm angling to be killed by something more meaningful (I'm still thinking choking to death drinking bourbon through a trache hole is in my future).

Inexplicable notebook fragment, Pt. 1
"Her credit is so bad she has to buy her dildos used."

Inexplicable notebook fragment, Pt. 2
"Run it up a cross and see who genuflects."

Random Liturgical Fragment, remembered from my youth, apropos of nothing
"I have sinned against You in thought, word, and deed, by what I have done, and by what I have left undone."

Weird riff on e.e. cummings, Pt. 1
"when the world is pogrom-wonderful"

Huh. Interesting.
If you Google "puddle-wonderful," my post containing that poem of E.E. Cummings comes up before any other direct quote of Cummings work.

My favorite misplaced apostrophe in a possessive

The stupidest pun I've ever made
"The right of return to Phallus-stein." = The belief that lesbians can be "converted" back to being straight.

Variations on a theme, special homophobia edition
"Like a bull dyke in a china shop."

"Love's a two way dream" (aka. Nakedly Freudian Dreams of Yesteryears)
I just found an old entry in a journal from a couple of years ago, concerning a dream I had:
"Another odd one last night. I was in my bedroom with all my ex-girlfriends--all the girls I'd dated or even had feelings for in my life. The bedroom was also a courtroom, and they were all judging me. Sadly, I couldn't be bothered to defend myself because I was too busy struggling to open a bottle of wine. The really fun part was that, interspersed amongst everyone I knew, there were also women I haven't met yet--presumably, the girlfriends of the future, judging me preemptively. I wish I could remember what they looked like."

Yeah, lame, and really easy to interpret. Plus, Fellini beat me to it (in "8 1/2") by a couple of decades. Even my dreams are rip-offs of better writers.

This better fucking endear me to you
When I was a kid, for about a year I kept a lump of coal in my pocket all the time. I had heard that a lump of coal eventually becomes a diamond when exposed to great heat and pressure--so I kept it in my pocket and pressed down on it as much as I could. I was hoping to eventually sell it for, like, a hundred dollars.

Isn't that the cutest thing ever!

Excuse me, I have to go vom.

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