I Love You But I've Chosen Snarkiness Why I Might Not Die at a Young Age, After All On the subway today, a young black man interpreted my constant attempt to rearrange my camera and cellphone in my pocket--in the interest of comfort, mind you--as my paranoid belief that he was going to steal them both the moment I looked the other way.
"If I make you that fuckin' nervous, perhaps you should fuckin' move." "Huh?" "I said, if I make you that fuckin' nervous, perhaps you better move." "Dude! I don't think you're going to steal my crappy cell phone. I'm trying not to jab you with it." (Yes, I actually said, "Dude!")
My favorite misplaced apostrophe in a possessive Texa's.
The stupidest pun I've ever made "The right of return to Phallus-stein." = The belief that lesbians can be "converted" back to being straight.
Variations on a theme, special homophobia edition "Like a bull dyke in a china shop."
"Love's a two way dream" (aka. Nakedly Freudian Dreams of Yesteryears) I just found an old entry in a journal from a couple of years ago, concerning a dream I had: "Another odd one last night. I was in my bedroom with all my ex-girlfriends--all the girls I'd dated or even had feelings for in my life. The bedroom was also a courtroom, and they were all judging me. Sadly, I couldn't be bothered to defend myself because I was too busy struggling to open a bottle of wine. The really fun part was that, interspersed amongst everyone I knew, there were also women I haven't met yet--presumably, the girlfriends of the future, judging me preemptively. I wish I could remember what they looked like."
Yeah, lame, and really easy to interpret. Plus, Fellini beat me to it (in "8 1/2") by a couple of decades. Even my dreams are rip-offs of better writers.
This better fucking endear me to you When I was a kid, for about a year I kept a lump of coal in my pocket all the time. I had heard that a lump of coal eventually becomes a diamond when exposed to great heat and pressure--so I kept it in my pocket and pressed down on it as much as I could. I was hoping to eventually sell it for, like, a hundred dollars.