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Reading is fun
Albert and the Underwear Man
by nate
Dress Code
by nate
by Corinn
Dance for me
by nate
Left Digestion
by Exley Steward
tamara's superfreak, superfreak, superfreakin' day
by tamara
Halloween Parade
by nate
Crime and Punishment
by Eve
John Mohammad's opening statement
by mike
Who Wants To Annoy A Millionaire?
by Eddie
You must be from the East Coast
by Eve
Hypodermic Pixie Stick
by Eddie
Lego Car
by Eddie
Myths of Hawaii
by Eve
sunday night cab ride
by raquel
regarding thongs
by anonymous female contributor
by ericS
Turkey Baster
by nate
Hold tight monkey
by adina
my last fight
by nate
drunken bugs
by nate
by nate
Scott & Louis meet Mr. T
by scott
cinder block dragging dogs
by jason
this guy who looks like Charles Bronson
by adam broomfield
Found Poetry
by ericS

Hypodermic Pixie Stick
by Eddie
Monday, September 29, 2003

what if we made our candy look like cigarettes? Wouldn't the kids love that?

I Chanced Upon A Pack Of 'Big League Chew' in the grocery store. Being a sucker for throw-back candy, I got a pack. I'm chewing. Spitting. Rolling up my chew in it's handy pouch when I think to myself, 'self, wouldn't some nice candy cigarettes also be nice.. And then I wonder what drives candy makes to make candy in pseudo-nicotine likenesses?

At what board meeting did someone say, "what if we made our candy look like cigarettes? Wouldn't the kids love that?" When were all the iterations of gum exhausted to the point where shredding it and putting it in a pouch started to make sense?

But do candy cigarettes and big league chew teach kids to use tobacco or don't they? Didn't you roll up that box of candy cigarettes in your sleeve? Didn't you try to get up enough saliva with your Big League Chew to spit like a pro? Did this not make you want the real thing? I say not. And this is why.

First, I'm not seeing any hypodermic Pixie Sticks on the shelves. I don't see that the pixie stick is coming in a 20cc container so that you can inject the sugar directly into your veins. I doubt the folks who make Fun Dip are going to replace their Lick-A-Stick with a bent spoon, a lighter and a nice needle for you to cook the dip first. I also don't see a pocket mirror and a razor included in the Pop Rocks packet to help you cut it. So to me, only the legal drugs are being mimicked. (Those IBC Root Beer bottles do get me every time I see a kid drinking one).

Second, if you get a kid used to a nice sour apple gum flavor coming out of the pack, won't a nice beechnut tobacco flavor be the antithesis? Won't the undiscerning palate be confused when the tobacco pools up in the mouth? I think so. I think at that point, they'll wish they had some Big League Chew.