Nineteen birthday fantasy letters and one real letter:
Dear Mom. Please don't get me anything.Really. Dear Dad. (insert voicemail message) Dear Nate Brown: **@# you, you #4@@*& *&%$&%^&$@. Dear James. Sorry I didn't let you crash at my house. I don't like you; especially when you are shitfaced. Your brother lives closer anyway and he was there with you. Dear Student Help: You're totally, like, fired. Dear Mrs. Robot. You are beautiful. Dear Lady who lives behind me: Please stop yelling at your kids. Dear Sis. You are truly great! Dear Lawton: Hit "reply". Dear Lassie: Thank you for saving my life. Dear President and Mr. New Pope: You guys seriously give me the creeps. Dear Mailperson. Where are my presents and cake? Oh, good...presents. Where's the cake? Dear Inappropriate hairs. Stop Growing! Dear At-Home waxing. Thanks. Dear Guy who likes to visit me at the lab: Your research is interesting but please don't ask me out. Dear Guy across the hall: You are ahead of the guy (above) on the "Guys I might Date" scale because you have sweet-ass Leica microscopes and sea urchins. Dear Eric. Getting up to surf at 6am doesn't sound like a good idea but only because 6am hurts. I will go anyway. Dear ipod shuffle. Too much Beatles. Really. Dear Self. Get yourself some flowers, goddammit.
Dear Robots. Thank you for writing and reading and for being the great robots you are.