I look deep inside of myself and do not know what I see there. Something is black. Replicating within my cells and spreading. Invading my body. Only sometimes do I see this. On the darkest of days.
"Shut up" is so rude. But sometimes it can be funny. Almost, but not really.
I used to date a guy who yelled at me for the way I poured soda into a glass. And for throwing beer bottle caps into the sink. And for numerous other things. His dad killed himself and he found him. His mom still likes me and invites me over a lot. I don't go.
Sometimes I drink wine for dinner. It is not a good idea, generally.
I am in love with a man who does not live here. We talk about the future but I wonder how he could possibly want to be with me...me and my arthritic dog and my bad habits. Still I love him. I am not sure if he really knows this or not. If he does, I am not sure he believes me.
Sometimes I think I am a failure. But that is my mind winning the battle, because it's not true. I am a strange success. I have made myself everything I am (with help from friends o'course). But in the scheme of things it is really not much. I don't know how to gauge myself.
I think I am going to move back to the Mainland. Who will get my giant Magnavox ballroom-dancing-floor-speaker when I leave? It's mono...but sometimes mono is great. Really.
I saw an old man today. He was wearing (underwater?) blue camo pants and riding a Ninja motorcycle. He had a ponytail.