2001:December:24
12.24.2001

today I am just going to put a bunchostuff up here, cuz work is slow and I have no idea why I am here.

Hormones can whack your sense of well-being, that is for certain. Adam and I were having a gorgeous lazy day yesterday, being homebodies, just doing our thing, when suddenly I got hit by a wave of PMS that was the hormonal equivalent of "put up your dukes."

I was raring for a fight. I had to run to the kitchen and do shit. I was the incredible hulk, bursting out of my polar fleece. GRRRR leave me alone or I will belittle you! My ex' s roomate used to deliberately try to provoke me when I was in that kind of mood, cuz he dug snappy insults (in a hurts so good kind of way).

And why can't I control these monthly bouts of anxiety and pugnaciousness? I growled something kinda mean and impatient at Adam yesterday and immediately felt horrible and besieged by consuming guilt.

But then my belly started to churn, and I remembered that there were more earthly forces at work there. that I was not losing my mind. That--Ha!-- it was just a completely legitimate hormone-driven mood and I can have those, and it will not make anyone break up with me or hate me or think I am losing my mind....

But now that I in full, specific pain mode, I am starting to wonder: Why am I so afraid of being difficult? I mean, I don't want to make other people's lives unpleasant, but why do I feel the need to be a sparkling packet of sunshine [sic]? It's OK to sometimes be a twit, right?

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