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just got up from the mirror looking - making myself look with a timer and going "what do you want" and hearing "I want it so bad, but you have to help me" and to me that just means I'll be disappointing myself a little.
but I'm going to be honest. I'm terrified. My batteries are spent. I do NOT want to be poor - I wasn't to build money (have to figure out how). I don't like the supervisor lady, and I'm dubious about month two. Month one is all fine and good, I'm also thinking about month 11.
butt all I dew is ruminate and try the Rubik's cube configurations sticking the bobby pen in the loch. It's all high land man.
the hermit life. I can do it. I know how, but I've realized it reminds me of kid land - kid time. The way I seize it,
it's like those shroom trips:
me - born
my family was instant shroom guides for my life trip. I became very pin ball. would you call it avoidant attachment? as you do, you immediately distort and try to reorient to something and then there's a point in shroom land you realize that you do this all to yourself, yet I've had four trips and my consensus is 1. god, its excruciating the emotional labor you/I do - I was whimpering 2. it's more/less euphoric for others, but it comes to a place so far where I'm wiped out 3. most importantly, and control freak that I am I've only done them with my ex-husband #2 (ouch) and who you do them with is crucial. like parenting, the trip guides make the music. in fact, the music is very important too..
file under things that went against my gut with ex2:
1. I show you my fucking words on happyrobot especially when you've expressed interest and I've been so shy about it - and you read "I read one or two, but I want to know you who you are now." ouch but at the time I thought 'fresh/different'
2. I didn't like his full back tattoo at all - it was lost on me
3. rule of three and most damning - our music taste intersected a lot but his wasn't mine - I definitely didn't give a shit about getting any music collected with him because there wasn't any
4. he was a snob. an entitled elitist who said he wasn't
5. accepting who he was was hard. he did Rogaine hair and penis pills to help with the feeling performance anxiety
6. 8 years, the man didn't go to the dentist once - wasn't a huge flosser either. I asked him why in the sunset years "oh, they don't send me reminders anymore"
7. he married a talker. he fell in love with a madwoman talker. eventually, she realized he hated her but was too proud to admit it
8. I've said it before and I'll say it again, Aynnie Rand leaves all of us cold
9. I allowed him to allow me to sell myself short because I thought I was such a disappointing burden. He was never accountable for anything. I paid for it. my choices.
10. the first night after our first date, I was like "I'll never see that guy again - nothing there."
what do I want? my voice. being selfish and divinely neutral. my mission to continue once I am strategically placed. P my supervisor to be scares me. the whole experience scares me. I want to wait. I am ok with that.
this is the last day of January.
savor
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