|
I live on a street where madness reigns. I call it the open-air madhouse just to pacify myself. The street is named Alice. I guess it fits. When we first moved here, the sounds drove me as did everything... in-fucking-sane. it's also next to a cultural center- I thought plays and concerts... but fuck if it's not incessant drumming. THAT took some getting used to.
And I have occasion to see parallel parking often. I would admire it as I'm the one who failed parallel parking thrice on my driving test - it was just the ONLY thing I failed that time to pass. Oh the DMV, I'm still involved in the most annoying of weird things from my recent life earthquake - losing my wallet. THAT was hard. I wonder where it is even to this day. the blockbuster card - the stormtrooper hello kitty. SO MANY THINGS LOST.
At least I'm getting slightly more appreciative that this is happening. I had been in a fog fever numb before. I had become uncomfortably numb. I laugh by myself and to myself. Sometimes I'll talk to the "mirror friend" - all single people have one - and say things like "so you fucked up. it only cost the price of a used Range Rover." That's not very funny. EVERY once in a while, I'll make myself laugh or allow myself to smile. martyr moi.
albeit the only psychic thing I did with this guy:
"I'll be having that name."
it's still hard for me on the book of faces.
it's my biggest - for lack of anything - social life. Hearing some "fuck you cunt you're crazy and the fucker is lucky and played the shit out of you." would be truth sure - yet not quite strong enough to endure at the mo.
and recognizing that the blanket of my life has been #2 and his kids. every single daily social interaction IRL for four years has been him and the folks at Rocky's grocery. it was jarring.
EVERY blue moon I unclench from my own tiger claw in the water grasping a life raft and imagine a tiny tiny fragment what might be something he might feel/thing... yet I will note that his set-up was very solitary from the get-go. I was a terrible narsiccistic supply. I'm not sure if you got a chance to see that excellent version of Dracula on Netflix (spoiler alert) where he gets to come into the future yet my blood would be like hers....
sic
sic sick
sic
and that's all I did in the very beginning was numb and then attack. numb and then attack. there was so much pain. so much confusion. so much shame.
the new agers will scream at you that what you focus upon is where you go
'starve out scary. love in good."
I'm not sure how I'll do it, but I'm going to leave California with a rice cooker and a tortie cat and return to Georgia and this time
be wise.
|
