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if I had a first friend, contiguous - it would be Kent. today is his birthday. because I like to be odder - I wished him happy new year. this time last year, I was in school preparing for finals and shit. I was seeing clients and working six days a week.
things change.
I had a dream the other night that Kent thought I was crazy and dismissed me wholly. It put me in the gutter. My scaffolding in life is friends and dreams. the psychic from the Friday party did a number on my - competition and waiting and being able to first and foremost reduce the stress . going to war is no fun for anyone except the billionaires....
I'm too scared to even read emails on my public book of faces. the thought of rejection - the thought of an unkind work alight on my paper thin skin - shivers fire.
I take the pills.
the feeling of pure grieving sadness and stress still permeates.
yet, I'm beginning to already feel the new skin of the new life.
the hard weird part is my step kids.
what happens? do eight years just evaporate? will July be the last happy birthday? I will still communicate as they reached out to me in defiance of their father's accusations and demands.
and I was insane with pain and psychosis and delusions and the core of it all with this particular thing wasn't like with mark - the "YOU ARE NOT SHARING WITH ME - YOU ARE GONE ALL THE TIME AND I AM LITTLE GIRL NO MORE." or something like that. maybe the psychic told me to step away from the past surrender to what is and to really keep my eye and be practical and precise and unemotional about my intentions and goals. I was like "oh fuck. that will be hard. what do I want is a ... hard one for me."
what do I want?
what everyone wants
a deep talking companion who lights my
soul on
with Andrew the lament was "YOU ARE NOT EVEN HERE. WHO AM I EVEN TALKING TO RIGHT NOW? YOU AND I DON'T KNOW EACH OTHER. YOU ARE EVEN LAZIER THAN ME."
and he never talked.
when it's cold, I almost always want a bath.
when I was was with Andy, it was always different worries - how will this odd trajectory go? when will we make love like lovers again. why do I talk in baby talk? why is the contempt he feels veiled for me now something I unveil to him? and studying counseling lets you realize what a fraught relationship you have.
so, I have a master's degree, and I laugh too sometimes. I got it last September.
what I was going to worry about was how to not wreck someone's life - how to be the change I would ask anyone else to embark upon. I was working on being authentic within an artifice. counseling was the most I've ever been like a man/mom/boss/minister - someone important and looked to. By most I also mean first time. I can see the way such experiences can build confidence. When I was a counselor, I felt important and needed and useful.
shall we talk about now?
another part I got from the psychic was calling on my archangels. I mean, I've tried it. I'll try anything.
and kent. any reader of this column will see this character comes up a lot. he's many people's favorite person. he was sort of like with Andrew where the thing that intrigued me first spark wasn't something I felt for him but something he professed to feel for me. and of course when my family brings up siesta key, I can't help but think of that day on spring break 1991/2/3 where we got the change from our paint bucket and newly hatched credit cards and went to Florida. the first day there, we checked into the buccaneer (now gone but formerly pink) and went off to the beach. I'm sure we had beer somewhere on hand. It was daytime but the beach had a deep fog. We all agreed to get naked but not see each other. I loved the freedom. I was also usually the instigator as the 'wife' of the leader of this quartet - and the tallest and a redhead... ah chuck I digress... chuck went back to the room. mike eventually got bored that Kent was sirening about his sire or more likely he saw that it was a dyad not a triad. It wasn't me cheating on chuck (breaking the relationship), that came the next night. This night was taking a brittle asshole power struggler (Kent was my only competition with control) and finding him human. He revealed his most ... and I felt like a mommy or something. I comforted. I can't remember our first kiss, but he might have tried then. I just knew when I walked back into that hotel room at the buccaneer, I was no longer in a relationship with chuck - I was in one with Kent. I was in love for the first time. I had shared vampire secrets.
we both loved chuck. it ended many bridges for me. I forget how much emotional drama recreation I've waded through created new.
gods forgive me.
I loved them both. I loved Kent as a new shiny toy to open up and reveal a real live human partner. I don't think I've ever fallen that deeply and cliche-ly in love. the first cut is the deepest, and now I weep a bit writing/writhing/righting this ... the apex of my happiness is being 20, walking from downtown towards Margaret Mitchell street where I was in love with the neighbor boy and he with me and the birds sang, the bees buzzed. It was summer. I was happy. I noted that to myself of course "remember this, this is happy."
I told myself to never romanticize Oakland when I leave.
the psychic just said ... just... "you need to relax" and the rest will come.
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