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that title was in honor of always loving and worrying about the cat.
the reason that I got drawn to the post is the feeling of separation and the memory of faint sweetness in the old times of my #2 marriage. the memory of the salt cave thing we did in downtown. The memory of the wooden toothbrushes obtained at the awesome-est health food store.
And as I prepare to forklift / evolve out of cali into Georgie, my god do I ponder - the loss of money - what does "year two" look like? etc. into homeless 80-year-old living in a tent in the woods. God bless if my uncle bobby had to do it. or the other fate where the parent gives you a house and the parent dies but you've lost your job and can't get another god bless uncle Scott. My life to be an inspiration not a cautionary tale to my nieblings.
mostly, I came to feel less disconnected - less chaos. it's beyond scary to move. it's beyond scary to stay. what would the real year three be? would I be careening towards a new career being a mental health saint full of authenticity and void of addictions? will I be "why did I ever move?" will I be stuck in a new non-virtual world?
or will I be able to coast on the final wave - be the last of the pensioned mighty?
non-emotionally I see the free year's rent as an offer I can't refuse. It's like saying no to $20K yet will that be a savings of $20K? will I have to - will I be able to get a car? will that payment carry on into year two? would I be done with my debt payment?
how many times have I moved and restarted my life? many but this time it's with things that have been with me for almost twenty years. I have been in this weather almost 20 years. I would love to talk to Andrew and see what he missed out on but I would imagine the gain of an entire social network within a small town is the expected "just what he needed" to thrive. Must truly divorce him. In my head, I'm still married to him - still connected. I still seethe at his treatment of me and also know it was a lot and the marriage - maybe it's best it ended sooner rather than later yet I would have preferred this year - or maybe being a therapist was a lark for me - a one off and now different things.
All I know is I seem to be moving to Georgia. I seem to be going to sacrifice some dough in that. I'm scared in that my family and I are not 'best buds' like Andrew has with his family. they are alike. and they didn't have a prince of tides moment. yet, I was always jealous of the inclusion I was not granted. I was such an odd bird - am such an odd bird.
for a brief time - like seven years - I felt that I was going to stay in marriage to a man with three kids I had known for seven years - until one of us died. unlike my fated "I will marry this man" of #1 - #2? I felt kind of like I do now that I was going against my gut but going with the flow of every guidance and input in my life - except the marriage counselor with the mother statement.
ok, so I don't go to macon? I stay here and rot further away from source? supposing I look at it from pure money and now - until my debt is paid off, I'm very limited. yet, the debt won't be forever. Would I prefer to fly back for brief vacations, bank the money then retire... I can't believe I'm talking about this...
yet apparently, I'm alive.
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