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Compartmentalizing must be great. I'm a daydream number. I love the most to be free to be with people and to not be with people. My mother has given me the choice or rather "Do you know how much money I'm losing by doing this for your?!" and "I don't want you to come for me. I don't want you to come here and say it was a mistake."
But what if it were a mistake.
how many have I remade into what is.
moving here? what did I come for? I came because I had wrecked my life and couldn't stand to be so listless and humiliated.
last night, I just sucked up my voice and agreed with someone who was doing me a gift. it felt a tiny bit like being a prostitute. it's a kind of compromise I'll have to feel into. I did say "you know me, I don't care. I just want people to be kind to each other and to duck my head down and get back on my financial feet for god's sake. happy birthday."
and I can take everything I have here to there, and I'll get new plants (I would take you if I could). I can babysit or foster cats. I'm not ready to take on another known loss right now even if statistics give me ten years minimum - as much as I'd love to have my tiny kind sweet edith begging to get on my lap for her morning ritual. I used to call it "mommy's favorite part of her day." I was so incredibly lucky to be able to work from home with her for those years.
and now, I can recall how listless I was in mark's world with nothing to do but wonder what I was going to do with my life. Little did I know, I could have been an assistant designer for all anyone needed me to do an income. I aimed so low, and now I pay. I'm blessed to have a master's degree but I keep poo-poo-ing it - likely because once I knew that all I had to do to graduate was have a pulse - I lowered my bar. my experience was like self-reflection and counseling. the thing I learned THE MOST was that I was inauthentic and I needed to learn how to do it. I also learned the concept of metallization and that was helpful/life-changing.
I studied about siblings. I studied about attachment. I delved. Then, this time last year - I was JUST coming up for air after drowning in the pit of sudden divorce and the things within the dark places of both our psyches we'd have to reckon with forever. I'm not sure what Andrew did with the demon's he displayed. With mine, I spiral into shame and self-blame preceding the Andrew blame. it would have been nice for him to have been kinder to me while I was sick, but it wasn't even in his nature. to him, I was revealed as flaw. to me, I thought 'ah at last he sees the real me - I am trash'.
and now I try.
I cheated on macon by going to look at an apartment with a clawfoot tub that was $700 cheaper a month than what I currently shell out. it was totally doable with an interesting view that would be vastly improved with plants. the only reason to stay here is easier access to opportunity as a back-up plan. Even though macon is not my 'final destination' (unless I die unexpectedly), it gets me closer to what I want. I would want a cooler more hilly climate like Atlanta or Wilmington. having a car is interesting even though the car is more than I thought it was going to be. I'm fasting today to save some money.
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