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Look, you always said that it would be a personal disappointment to you if I killed myself, but I just can't take it anymore. You have no idea how empty and bullshit my life is, and I'm about to be laid off and I can't imagine myself wiping old people's butts and putting myself out there like a prostitute and having to lie to get some dude to care for me. I feel like I already did that in my second marriage. I wish I had "fuck you" money like you earned, but I don't. I just have my stupid pride.
Please know that of all the people in my life, you were kind of the most angelic and sort of "got me". I knew deeply that you cared about me and my bro and sis. I truly do, and I very much appreciate you being there for me. That dough that you sent my way in the hell year - it saved me. You and M pulled me out from drowning.
It's cliche, but I don't want to be a burden to anyone. I don't want to have to reach my hand out anymore. I don't want to have to put myself out there for rejection in some shit job, and I definitely - I mean I'm writing a fucking suicide note - think I would be a good therapist. I cared a lot about humanity, and of all the humans in my life, I think you listened to me the most. I adored you. I still do.
thank you.
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