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What do you want me to say? It is done.
Text exchanges:
"oh, and I'm not leaving until Friday - not sure if I told you Thursday by mistake"
"I'm honestly thinking of a way to see you before you go. I'm addicted to you."
after much debate:
"I feel the pull. If I have any spontaneous openings in my schedule before 2, I'll hit you up."
It's 10pm
"I'm headed to the house. The family dog is dying."
"Wait what! That's sudden and terrible. Wow. I'm so sorry. Ouch."
later
"That sucked."
"So she's gone. I'm so very very very sorry. I know what a deep holder they can be on family love. And they are so innocent. She is at peace. She was good. She was loved."
phone rings
big sigh
"hello, I'm so sorry.... well, are you going to go over there tomorrow before you go and be with them at the vet?"
"no"
he asks me what I'm doing. I tell him I'm in bed with the neighborhood cat. I can fucking feel feel feel feel feel what I'm SUPPOSED to do. I'm SUPPOSED to go immediately and feel immediately:
"come over right now. I've got half a bottle of bourbon and a hug."
Instead I was like what the fuck. This guy triggers so much Andrew. when I was with him in the first three months, my cat died - devastation reigned in my heart and Andrew picked up my broken pieces and I often said "Padz drove me in the arms of Andrew".
With this guy, I was cold. I was standoffish. I didn't want to hold his pain. It was a definite sucky thing in our quasi-relationship. I failed. I did not do right.
And of course I put in my head if Nena had died (and I guess if it had even been 'she's going to die soon like with this guy"), I'd care so much more. It's weird. I'd be like "get over here". And I'd WANT to distract him and make love. With this one, it's more I know what I SHOULD do, and I don't want to.
I'm sorry kid. It looks like it's over for us. I promise I'll try really hard to be nice and kind, and I'm truly very grateful to you. I SHOULD ask you to breakfast and kiss and hug you and say I'm so sorry, but I don't want to. I can't even recall your dog's name - Alicia or something. You never talked about her until yesterday. You're meshed with your family. You easily use me as the new liquor and well it's not working.
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