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the cicadas were going strong this morning.
she was so miserable (I know. I know. and so grateful/lucky)
that she had to remember times when she had heard drunks and homeless people and phone conversations from her open unscreened casement windows in a town where there were never bugs. if she wanted to remember the lowest, most hopeless, most wretched time of her life, she just had to reach back three years ago around this time and sitting on that beanbag chair she had bought for her step-kids in her new studio plus apartment in a historic building with her cat who would be dead in ten months of cancer, but at the time, she just thought she was a picky eater - and blamed Andrew for the stupid raw food bullshit diet. expensive too, but Edith had been worth it. had been innocent.
it still troubled her that she didn't even think of Edith when she had been sick - before the rupture with Andrew. it horrified her. to think she loved something, but could just fuck it in the heat of desperation. she remembers seeing her great-niece in the arms of her nephew's wife as they were screaming at each other and just grabbing the baby lovingly and taking her to another room and telling her it was going to be ok and apologizing for it being so scary.
the first cut is probably the deepest.
the cats were screaming too. she was too tired to resent it. besides, that had been the highlight of her month - experiencing such a fresh and candid cat sitter who loved them.
she told herself the same story every day
even more so now that she knew she still had it in her - her drunk texting in Athens had more than proven she was still a freak for his deek. oh well. oh well.
the story was that they were a great match.
a pair that balanced each other
decent companions who would not get in the others' way and respect
alone time greatly
separate vacations. coming together to talk
mutual friends
separate friends
no jealousy
real solid love
cooking together
eating out a lot
traveling on random road trips
talking
watching weird movies
getting into a series together
maybe living together
maybe living nearby
gardening why not
and that she had ruined it by going and feeling
"you're abandoning me. I knew this would happen."
and him replying, "god, you really are too intense and kind of crazy. I knew it."
and that was that.
it felt silly to be this old
this heartbroken
this confused.
stil, Athens had been more than him. it always had been.
when she was there to meet him at the globe and especially afterwards when she could feel it properly in the hotel that's now being torn down for big apartments - but at the time it had bulldog and vintage decor and she took a picture of the room to send him to show him she was safely inside.
she should have realized then
he didn't really care.
he just lived in the moment
babe.
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