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She can hardly muster third person, but fuck it. The Norfolk pine really pisses her off. The coffee is too cold now. The blood is flowing again. She almost cried and feels like crying again. She looks at the note in front of her computer "I can handle this" - the one she brought from the scary time in Oakland.
She can go there - that little apartment with the screaming maniacs outside and the sensitive cat who had silent cancer and the loud loud mommy who was so thoroughly broken she could barely pretend to function. Narcissi was terrified all.the.time. constantly. She prayed a lot.
as you do in times of abject desperation.
once the cat died, it got bleaker, yet she was already on the road to the new old place. She recalled now what Janet the psychic told her: "everything's just heavy with you."
even the thought of a little innocent kitten face - things like that floored her to the ground.
because she knew the other part too. every day. human beings pay someone to inject beautiful - she is keening as she writes this - it means a lot... innocent animals with death. it breaks her heart for everyone, and she used to write senators and vote with her dollar and care a lot.
Now, she hides and survives and hopes to get through this torpor. She felt super blessed to be here - even more so when she realized how statistically closer to death she now was getting with each nanosecond. She dreamt last night that her mother was gone, and she and her sister fought all the time.
the dying Norfolk Pine was teaching her a lesson about how she felt about things being sick or not thriving that were dependent on her - it made her angry. She was angry at herself and she could see easily that it came out as anger and betrayal on the part of the non-thriver/failure.
That "kalopsia" song from queens of the Stone Age was still in her head all the time. It was raining a lot. She didn't know what she wanted, but she wanted to not be in the way. She wanted very much to be co-adored... and that 23-year-old in her adds "and understood!" as if that were possible.
Even though school was out, the happy puppy still made the bus stop in his rounds. the yellow orange cat slept on the sofa, and the lady still on team red thought about nothing but circles and spheres sort of...
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