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She was wearing her space galaxy pointing "you are here" shirt that was now (since she lost the '83 Quebec shirt in the war) her oldest garment. She had loved him. She had talked to him about everything in her head back when she was so full of everything and righteous. He had bought her two t-shirts noticing that she loved them and billy Bragg's line: "the next revolution is just a t-shirt away..." The other one had been "you are all characters in my next novela" except she had kind of always been irritated that novella had been misspelled. It was an "E" - effort. He had done so much for her that was hard for her to receive his love. It was easier for her to think she was cool and aloof and waiting to be in her own world.
This morning in the bath she thought of all the ways she could die and all the conditions she might have. Luckily, she also remembered that this was a common thing for her: catastrophizing.
and dammit if she wasn't in a tangle. it was hard to figure out all of it, and she despised the word for what the kids called it way more than she should. Probably because when she looked it up, it had said something about "undefined, ambiguous, no clear trajectory and poor communication." She did love a good undefined thing in order to assess it, yet she also enjoyed world peace. Labels are like the coin-flipping - sometimes they can be useful to see how one feels about one's fated call.
And what mattered?
"everybody dancing in the desert throwing up sunshine...."
"my kids are my legacy."
"I cure cancer for a living"
To her, it mostly mattered to matter. She wanted more than many things to not have to perform - to feel that her only real value was in performance. Perhaps that's why she had such stage fright. It was an old story that bored her, yet bored her.
She recognized that worship was a bit like external validation. She very very much wanted to self-validate; however, all the things she researched indicate you have to start by learning to trust a human. It also said you could access the metaverse and prayer, yet she was very unsure how to do that and would rely on angels and miracles for now.
Every day, the Norfolk Pine coexisted with her and she didn't know how to make it better but knew all solutions were subtle.
"Things are just heavy for you."
"you may lose or you may win but you'll never be here again.... take it easy."
She was trying to do all the good things - begging for connection forgiveness grace and love when she suspected it was going to be what it was going to be whether she lifted a pinky or not. That's funny. She remembered her dreams and how she has so many conversations in them lately - a snipped came back "oh wow, I've never actually met a Uranus in Libra person, I had just assumed...."
The birds sang.
she breathed.
what do broken people dream of? that client that came to her "hmmm that's a question. I guess I'll know we've accomplished something if I feel inner peace"
She remembers going "fuck, that's going to be a hard trick to pull off - anything easier?"
"maybe just someone to talk to...."
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