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"what do you like about him?"
She listed a bunch of easy things like that she loved: his eyes (they seemed so dark green to her), his conversation, his brain, his boundaries.
"it's a much shorter list when I say what I don't like about him."
She passes the cut watermelon and sees the crystal she bought at the cheesy beach shop about to catch the sunlight and prism it up. She had worn her commemorative beach shirt for two days - only taking it off in the middle of the night.
"I feel like a fool to love him. It feels like he won't reciprocate. I feel like he doesn't call me enough, and my god it's so hard to be with someone when you reach for him in the middle of the night or the early morning to cuddle them and they respond with nothing."
"yeah, at least Dan was a cuddler. I would reach for him and he'd put his arm out to pull me in closer."
Narcissi tried to comfort herself that Dan had not worked out, so it wasn't like cuddling was the benchmark.
She texted her best friend who was her first love in the middle of her rampant insecurities, "buck me up. tell me that I can be loved."
He responded in a way that she wasn't thrilled with, "you might as well face it you're addicted to love."
It was all fun and games when you've been in a twenty-five year marriage. She laughed at how long either of them lasted in finding a new mate during their own temporary split. In her eyes, she was the most alone person that she had ever known. She had exiled herself from love for a long spell. Perhaps she was addicted, it was something she'd be willing to consider. For her, it more seemed that she was unused to love. She only knew seduction. Was it wrong to be lonely for so long and want an actual companion with whom she could chat?
It seemed hard enough to maintain the confidence to believe she was worthy of it. That was always the key - confidence. She loved that about him. She had called it arrogance at first - telling him that she loved it and he corrected her "you mean my confidence. It's hard won."
She replied, "I blame my parents of course. I was never allowed to have any confidence. I had to always pretend I was humble - that I was the baby."
"well, I didn't have any parents really to raise me."
She paused, "well, that's not strictly true. You had to have had someone - not a parent - that believed in you. It's obvious in who you are."
"well, there were a lot of non-traditional parents. yes."
They had been side by side for more than 72 hours. When he had dropped her off home, he had been almost giddy but grateful, "you helped me."
Her house now smelled like garlic. She had stepped on the orange cat's paw right after she had said out loud she wished she could throw it out the window and have it never wake her up in the mornings.
She had had two naps. She had eaten the world. She had wanted to feel secure - that there was a progression - that she was now more. Instead, she just felt that it was the same with perhaps more trust and experience. She was not under the impression that she was driving this juggernaut because she couldn't feel in his place. She had to wait for him to come around.
His mother had seemed like a total arrogant self-confident semi-monster, but Narcissi had seen a lot of her in her son and saw remorse from the mother - a large dollop.
She liked the father's art better and was intrigued that there was even a completion - that the mother was on the field and had likely surpassed him. The mother's art seemed always a winking conflict - a struggle. She had only seen five or six pieces. He acted like he never wanted to see them again while at the same time having pride that she mattered.
He had called Narcissi yesterday. She hadn't picked up the phone because the didn't feel very on as she'd just awakened from a nap. He didn't call again, and she blew off cutting the grass again and tried to fill the void with food in her gut.
There was a drunken night - she had insisted after the wake of the mother. She couldn't remember very much of it - as is correct for such an event - but she remembers that she had told him the first moment she knew he was for her - when she crossed her legs in the globe. he claimed to recall it.
"He listens so well. He pays attention even when he doesn't seem to care if he ever hears another story of mine."
She remembers him saying that he knew from the first time he spoke to her on the phone. He liked how she spoke and the quality of her voice.
Allons-y
Now back to life back to reality. She would have sent him that as a text to let him know she was thinking of him, but it wasn't by destiny's child. The inside jokes they formed would scaffold everything.
Or so she pretended. Her foundation was shaky and there was much to be frightened of. She recalled that first night when she had reached out and he didn't even stiffen in reaction - just acted as if nothing was touching him. She remembers every insecurity she had ever thought of marching to her eyes and crying out.
It was going to be something she remembered: the key to this is to love yourself irregardless.
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