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She cried twice while her aunt was visiting.
Both were triggered by feeling worthy of ... love... flaws and all.
She was still a bit in an emotional hangover from it. She had unburdened everything to her.
"It's not that it's all about the money - although it would be so nice to have some security - it's about feeling like someone loved you. Like I was reading somewhere - seeing if others felt the same - there was this wealthy man - and he said something like if my parents were leaving blankets only in their will, I'd still want them to give me a blanket."
She had heard her aunt talk about one of her step grandchildren having $100K just in some trust fund account accruing interest. Initially, it made her gnash her teeth and think all that kid did was be born - that's the only thing different than he and I - he was born from a rich line.
Those sorts of things were not productive, and money was the last taboo.
She had signed off with her friend on the phone yesterday "of course you felt that way - love is the only thing that really matters in the world - of course we would care about it."
This was the same friend that her aunt had said "doesn't it hurt you that she makes fun of bipolar people and you are one?"
Narcissi hadn't even thought about it, but now she did.
It doesn't hurt her much because because that friend didn't know about it, she never really was hotly invested. There were no stakes because she had never trusted her with her marrow - never really felt safe beyond gossiping and comparing notes.
She picked up his ball and thought about him.
She wondered if he wanted to see her this weekend - and what it would mean for her if he didn't. He was due to have a time when he wanted to take a break, but it also meant that he was losing interest. It was obvious. She straightened up her fallen ego and thought "his loss." If he didn't want to hang out with her, she would live and make the best of it.
And a whispering part of her thought that she was making it this way because she was too afraid to say the secret thing. She knew it was because she believed it meant she was unloveable. She knew it was because she thought it was a deal-breaker. She wasn't quite ready to break the deal. She was going to perhaps gamble one last time.
That morning, before her aunt awoke, she thumbed through airbnb's looking for the perfect one. There wasn't really anything perfect, but the place she had stayed at twice was available, and it had a bathtub she really liked.
"I appreciate him because he made me get that high yield savings account - like actually sat me down and made me do the steps instead of it just being a concept; he made ice come out of my freezer door, and he encouraged me to buy an electric toothbrush."
Her aunt answered, "I've had an electric toothbrush for years, and let's see what I could tell you - how I could help. I could tell you to get Botox in your frown lines"
"oh, thanks."
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