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Her face is bloated and pock-marked from the screaming and panting and sobbing she has done alone in the charity house of the father figure who also threw her away like trash the same as her dna father. it was perhaps tragic, but it wasn't your story. It was narcissi's. Perhaps she didn't have much, but she had the right to tell her stories.
She loved you both. she loved you both so much. the mother had always been kind of an elusive sphinx, but the two of you had been alert and attentive to who she was, and for such a long time she believed you that she might be worth loving.
Now, of course, she was LIV years old, and she had just come from High Land and recognized definitively that she was a shattered hull - a taker up of space that no one would ever mourn. She regretted - to infinity and beyond - that she would never had gone down that false frost hillside you had tacitly offered. Besides this b-side column, the last thing she had ever texted you was "I am just a shoddy placeholder".
Don't feel too badly. She was probably not talking to you anyway. She was probably talking to one of her fathers or maybe her mother who always prioritized the fathers more than her daughters.
And her sister. God, god. god. how hard it was to reach you.
And the brother. the best thing you ever did was want to put a gun to your head for what you had done to Meredith.
a sea god's troth.
none of what I am matters.
none of you ever really even knew me.
It would have been better if I had been sucked into a vacuum as bill asked.
Instead, I lived and gestated and gesticulated wildly and became someone who was deeply bitter and hurt the two people - chuck and mark - who - maybe Kent but not really - almost knew her and loved her.
noel, you killed me.
the first time I met you, it makes no sense, but I knew you.
having you care like a storekeeper killed me.
I have no idea how I became so dorky and sucking of dead eels, but there I was grasping for any modicum of idealized whatever.
the kites might have been fine to see.
the t-shirts you wore for me really resonated.
if only I knew how to install a Roku stick.
instead, I bowed out of it all.
I hope the cats will find another sporadic feeder.
I loved you like ancient myths and I'm sorry I was such a dork.
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