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The neighbor - oh him again
was really gone. He had stopped feeding the cats - oh the cats again.
She was in a life with many things she was like "what am I doing".
Leon was correct but not surprising: she had some major trash programming in her system that needed to be purged. He was of course a flawless paragon of calm and creative productivity. buy a clue. "I wish good things for you."
When had been the last time that things had been acceptable to her? that she was happy where she was? that it was all going according to amazing plan?
the correct answer would be "zero thirty" - as in she was born into ... shall we say a very challenging social lab from which to process her data. She was the youngest in the family, so she got the most sophisticated processor as a consolation prize, so she could see them all so vividly and thoroughly even if she had no fucking clue.
And now, to older age.
She kept reminding herself so she wouldn't get cocky kid.
as if.
cocky.
it made her lightly harrumph inside - or maybe it was a sad harrumph.
She was an envier of confidence and cockiness. It could perhaps be said one of her biggest flaws was a wordy ability to undermine herself.
"God where is this meandering going girl?"
She wished she were cocky
and a girl still...
but you know what? going into the past and imagining doing it all over again seemed hell. She's told you "Peggy Sue Got Married" is a horror film to her - a la "Same Time Next Year".
sigh.
she had heard "Space Cowboy" the other day. You know what her first notion was, "I wonder if the next time Leon hears this song, it will bring up a flash of a memory of me."
She knew it was fucking pathetic. She knew now that she had been soooooooooo off the mark, but it was something that would have confused anyone. It looked like...
So, here's the punch.
She was in something similar now just to make it all her fave:
poetic.
THe ambiguity is what makes it hot perhaps.
But anyway, to the title. She thinks what it would be like to live with someone again. It was hilarious because when she was away from fucking Andrew that first few - she suffered from withdrawal from his physical body. He had been her regulator - her soft feedback loop. She had not realized it.
There was a universe she did not realize.
Even with Leon, she couldn't imagine LIVING day to day second to second with him - she had wanted the same thing except to have the fucking play!!!!!!!! now that she knew that was possible.
Wait, what the frack was she babbling. She had wanted to make sure he wasn't making a fool of her - letting her prattle on - while going in the bathroom and replying to a tinder fresh match. THAT was what she wanted - the notion that she was
fucking amazing and he was going to ride it until it played out.
Instead, let's all sing along while narcissi says it again:
"the minute I put a boundary up - the minute I said 'can you stop looking at other women and focus on me and include me in your life?' - I lost what I never had."
love.
what the fuck is love.
The loss of the neighbor equals loss of safety a bit. He was a cool calm safe dude who seemed like he had guns and brains. He was an engineering professor at the local private university.
Narcissi was fascinated with his wife Julie. She hadn't lived there in a while - heading out to where they were moving to ... but she was so awesome - a total tan, toned, golden-haired bitch. In all Narcissi's time, she never even glanced over during yard work - much less said hi. She was the type that Narcissi must have had done something like not returned a wave and now Julie was like "whatevs". She looked Florida. She was obviously the boss of the relationship. Her husband was nice. Narcissi had maybe exchanged 245 words with him - including texts. It was all about cats.
but now...
he was gone.
change was here.
she had lost her mooring a bit.
she hated change.
she missed them and would likely never think of them again in a silly short amount of time.
The jam of the matter. Do unto others ...
she wished they had thanked her for the cats.
it would have made it less
fucky
Narcissi paused as she saw Dobby the new orange male cat strike across the yard.
Sigh. She didn't want this responsibility.
and it was time to stop bitching and start stitching.
Platitudes platitudes. She was talking around something. That's why it was so long.
"I don't want him to think I'm not a goddess, but I'm not a goddess. It's so fucking great to pretend to be one though. I love fucking him like being in a jail cell solitary confinement to the cool prostitute in 'firefly'. I am going to communicate - maybe not perfectly - but better."
"what the fuck are you talking about - just say it?"
"It's hard for me to do so - like denying someone access to me - is like - something deep - something wounded."
"What does your therapist say?"
"Such a question of our times. She says that I am allowed to feel lust - that I don't have to put love on to it every time."
"Is that all?"
"She says I'm too concerned with the male gaze."
"I mean, what does she say about that you feel like you can't let go of being the manic pixie dream girl type form the 80's although that makes you vomit in your mouth a bit?"
"we haven't gotten there yet."
"I know."
She sometimes wondered who Plato even was ... really.
There were two blooms on her peace lily and the shape it was in...well, really
She remembered when she was a little girl and tried to talk to God in no words - just thought prayer.
she had a lot of cats now.
The neighbor was gone.
She hoped it would rain.
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