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it was the kind of day that you come in from outside thinking it's not so bad at 105 degrees, but you saw the old man - walk man - do it, so you think you can do it. Besides, that had been your sanity, and it had been too hot to walk. the grass fucking pissed her off. how had she been able to handle it last. year.
you come inside, and it's like a refrigerator but soon you're sweating because you're too frugal to give the uninsulated three bedroom house that you were failing to maintain.
it was no good.
she was going to have to break her heart. it was too much to take care of - all of it. the cats were the tipping point. they drained all her worry. she wished right now that a switch could be thrown and they all disappear. instead, she was going to have to figure it out on her own. the usual. with much much criticism. especially after the fact.
it could be worse she thought. she was proud that there was only one dish in the sink. she was proud she had cooked the zucchini and squash.
god she was lonely.
the only person who wanted to see her always wanted to fuck her.
she didn't want to trade access for sex anymore. she wanted to want sex. she didn't want to gift sex.
but she seemed to be afraid to cut it off because she was afraid she would be alone. and she wasn't sure she could be totally alone right now.
it was better than it had been, but replacing the pain came a huge swath of despair. the cats were adorable. the plants were fine. the wasps didn't bother her, but none of it made sense. what was she doing with her life? where was she going? she was so so glad she wasn't stuck with douchebag, but she also saw a couple in the grocery store just picking out something in the refrigerated section.
and she reminded herself she had had all that and more, and she threw it away because she wanted... something else. it was ridiculous. she was ridiculous. she bored herself. she thought maybe it was time to join a fucking health club just to get the fuck out of the fucking house.
fuck.
and of course she felt weak and stupid. a million people could handle what she had and be grateful for it. she just saw it as never-ending pulls and that she was fucking up. step one was to take the fucking cat to the fucking vet and see what diseases it had. step two was giving it away. rinse repeat. but the fucking ... everything.
she hadn't taken a shower in days. she didn't want to take a bath. that was unprecedented almost. but maybe not. she seemed to remember always enjoying a false womb. maybe it was because she knew he was really really really gone and that it was really really really really done. a strong part of her still protested, but she'd be shutting that part up on the constant. she had to survive. after she got rid of the cats, she'd be free again.
but it was the plants, the grass, the wasps, the water damage, the floors, the clutter, the clothes, the car, the hanging on by a charitable thread. she tried to remember that lots of people get helped - she hated receiving gifts from most people because it was always an obligation. she tried to avoid unwrapping them and hated doing so in front of the giver.
it had been a mistake to read about Vivien Leigh again. that story always made her so fucking sad, but maybe it was all for the best. maybe viv loved it all and was happy at the end. narcissi doubted it. she knew that she was always going 'why did I lose that baby' - or 'he never really loved Joan.' and still sitting by a pond getting silted up all alone - getting your ashes thrown in and all your cats rehomed.
the drought and heat killed most of the mosquitos but one managed to get in the house and fucking buzz.
she'd think about it all tomorrow. after all, tomorrow is another play.
first, she'd fucking cry again. she was great at crying alone and then figuring it out all by herself. besides, everyone was tapped out. no one wanted to hear one more time, "god it's so fucking hard for me. I wish I had the balls to ask you for help - just to say you hear me. you can see how it might be for me...". and crying sometimes just made the tense irritation frustration worry subside....besides, she was out of other ideas - or maybe she just couldn't do anything else right now.
weep my baby
my sweet sensitive
kid who apparently never learned something important
"it's ok to feel. I got you. I'm here. I'll always love you even when I'm gone - especially when I'm gone. you're going to laugh one day - for real - and not just bitterly ironic. I swear on all flowers...."
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