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post #176
bio: katie
bio: victoria

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6/21/2005
14:10

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it was an honest mistake
Tuesday, June 21, 2005

› by victoria

"Sometimes I don't recognize
my own face
I look into my eyes
and see disgrace
My little white lies
tell a story
I see it all...
it had no glory."


--G.Halliwell

I am not one who should be giving advice, but I will feel free to give this much: listen to your gut instincts about people. Your first reaction, the deep reaction, is the true one. The inexplainable, random, "why the fuck am I thinking this/doing this?" reaction, is right. If you're afraid or intimidated by someone when you first meet them, don't ask yourself why and then sublimate the feelings and go along with it. You were right. If you meet someone and you know that when it counts, they will be there for you, don't ask yourself why, just go with it. Your gut is right. In star wars terms, it probably is the closest we'll ever come to "the Force."

"I think the problem's inside me
because I wanted you to be
something I saw inside myself
But all I see is someone [else]
Whatever
Whatever
Whatever..."


--Frogpond/Veruca Salt

We all want a protogee. Someone we can mold in our own image. You know, that was something that my Mom always really hated about me. When I was five years old, possibly even younger, she was dressing me up to go to church or something in a fancy frilly dress, uncomfortable tights, and finally, fixing my hair. I finally lost it and screamed "I'm NOT YOUR LITTLE BARBIE DOLL!" and she never let me forget it. She was so angry and still is so angry, 15 years later. Maybe that's why you care about him more than you care about my welfare and well-being. I respect and listen to your advice, but I don't jack-snap-act-on-it.

I like it the most when people are open and honest about their protogee-projecting onto me. My friend Katie told me once that she had this little ideal dream life planned out for me, where I went to Art school, moved into a loft apartment in a big city, and lived the life of the true Bohemian with fantastic abandon while becoming a famous artist. And I liked that. But it's different when you feel like confused, desperate for guidance, and you're being guided to one conclusion only.

I also admit that I projected elements of myself and my need onto you. I needed a friend, someone whom I could trust here at this higher institution of snakes and ladders. I thought we shared a lot in common. I really liked you, and I think that at one time, that liking was reciprocated, but I don't know how it degenerated to this point where you are going deliberately out-of-your-way to cause me emotional harm and distress.


"Scapegoat
Looking for a scapegoat
Scapegoat
Looking for a scapegoat
There's always someone else for you to blame
There's always someone else for you to blame
Backed into a corner he barricades his life
Fastens up the shutters every night
This island is big enough for every castaway
But most of us are looking 'round for someone else to blame
..."

--Chumbawamba

Don't blame me for something someone else did, entirely out of my control. I feel bad enough for being the secondary pivot point.

" People
They don't mean a thing to you
They move right through you
Just like your breath
But sometimes
I still think of you
And I just wanted to
Just wanted you to know
My old friend...
I swear I never meant for this
I never meant...

Don't look at me that way
It was an honest mistake
Don't look at me that way
It was an honest mistake
An honest mistake

Sometimes
I forget I'm still awake
I fuck up and say these things out loud

My old friend...
I sweat I never meant for this
I never meant...

Don't look at me that way
It was an honest mistake
Don't look at me that way
It was an honest mistake
An honest mistake

Don't look at me that way
It was an honest mistake
Don't look at me that way
It was an honest mistake
An honest mistake..."


--The Bravery


I always knew there was a reason I liked that song.


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