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the come down



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post #15
bio: elanamatic
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8/11/2003
21:07

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08.11.03

I am in a rough state. I have been battling with myself. Not sure if I should post these downward spiraling thoughts here and risk dragging others down with me, or continue to stew in my own cesspool of negative self-talk. I am feeling pretty miserable these days. The wedding and subsequent honeymoon were some of the best days of my life. In comparison, everything else blows. Hard.

My neck is still fucked and my fingers... Well, hopefully they will be back to normal in the long run but in the meantime (we're talking months here) it's regular physio, bandages and no sports or yoga. I need to hit the gym so badly. I need something to do so badly.

I am really hating myself. Flipping from one bad cable channel to the next while eating endless bowls of cereal, I feel like Don McKellar's loser character on "Twitch City." Am I depressed or just immobilized? It's summer dammit. I should be out there doing shit. Instead I am here, at home, addicted to my beast of burden, the PC.

Can you help me? I do have a vision, and some goals. I want to return to writing. I'd like to begin my career as a freelancer, for magazines mostly. I am a total chicken-shit though. I need someone to sit me down and encourage me, or at least walk me through the steps. The last time I pitched a story, I was still in school. I suppose I should go dig up my books and read up on the how-to's, but I could really use some human interaction at the moment.

I also want to get back to the pool. I will though, talking about going swimming with Jocelyn tomorrow. I was a great swimmer when I was younger, and I had a steady year or two of regular aquafit in recent times, but when it comes to laps, I am a fraidy cat.

There you have it. I confess, I am not always positive and strong. I too can be a wimpy sad chica.

I feel better now.


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