2002:May:8
The Delaware House of Representatives just passed a bill that will ban smoking in all public places including bars, casinos and restaurants.
Also pending legislation is a bill that will require homeless people to wear Barney or Jabberjaw costumes while drifting through populated areas.
I had a feeling it was all that cigarette smoke wafting out of the bars and settling on major waterways and lakes that was causing all of those beach closures and bacteria warnings. Obviously, the second hand smoke can be blamed for the average life expectancy in Delaware to seemingly hover somewhere between 50 and 60.
Surely, DuPont has nothing to do with it. Motiva can't possibly be to blame. I mean, those places both have no-smoking policies.
What in the fuck is wrong with Delaware? A smoky bar is ten times safer than even standing next to the Christina river. (that's a river here that is filled with raw sewage, mercury, and the bodies of missing secretaries) Or sitting in traffic on I95 behind three thousand monster SUVs on their way home from spraying allergy medication into the faces of beagles at Astra Zeneca.
Anyone over fifty here looks like a giant bloated fire ant in a polo shirt. But, it must be the cigarette smoke, not the smoke-free fast food establishments or family oriented Batter-Dipped Aussie-Death-Splash restaurants.
I mean, I knew a lot of people in this state were hypocritical twits, but this is just the stupidest thing I've ever heard-and I'm actually very tolerant of hypocrisy on a personal level- but the head of the Delaware Division of the American Lung Association was quoted as saying "We will be a shining example for the rest of the country."
Well, let me be the first to apologize to the other states, (other than New Jersey) because if America is a restaurant, Delaware is a fat midget in a tight jogging suit puffing a comically huge cigar and lending money to the bus boys at a 19% APR.
Please don't blame me. I voted for the Green Party guy.
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