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post #50
bio: mina
perma-link
10/31/2005
19:59

archives
first post
that week






Favorite Things
drinking
· red wine, for the people.
listening
· for donnie's knock at the door
watching
· out for donnie


Category List
barely legal
love/lust/sex/chocolate



everything is as it should be
i woke up today thinking of yesterday and all the days before. all the mistakes we've made, hearts broken, empty apologies hardly heard because we'd already moved on and were so far away before we were done saying i'm sorry.

. . . . .

i have this thing, given to me when i was five. i was sitting at the top of a hill watching clouds go by one october morning, wondering why the clouds never stopped moving. i can't describe it, except to say that it has no shape or color -- it is instead all feeling and light, and heavier than anything i have ever owned. i walked down the hill to my room, bathed in red sunlight, and hid it under my bed. it has always moved with me ever since.

. . . . .

today is sunday, october 30th, and i'm tired. it's evening, and i'm stopping for the first time in months. i'm sitting here thinking that it may be time to use it.

when you read this tomorrow, i will have had a busy night. not long from now, i will stop the clouds from moving.

. . . . .
. . . . .

while you slept last night, i walked backwards, for you and for me, retracing all of our steps. i drove backwards, wrote backwards and erased all those things you wrote you wished you could take back. while you slept, i caught those tears you cried and gave them back to you. i brushed your cheek and removed the bruises and scars, resteered you from that wrong step, wrong move, wrong choice. i opened your fist, picked you up when you fell, and painted black to white and white to black. i rebuilt the towers, and no one has died on account of it. everyone you love lives, even if only in memory. i tenderly placed those passing in the ground and let you say goodbye for as long as you wanted. we all said goodbye and hello again and goodbye again for as long as we wanted. over and over and over again. and all is forgiven, and everything is forgiven, and you are forgiven.

. . . . .

your painful memories are false memories -- they are only echoes of receeding misdeeds and regret returning to the womb of the universe. back to the cauldron of time.

. . . . .

look how the sun shines in the sky today. it's a day like no other. you have never done anything wrong in your life, and everything is as it should be.

what are you going to do today?

i'm going to sleep.






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