Klutch.xls: An Open Letter of Apology to the Hosts and Guests of the Party I Attended on Friday Night

To whom it may concern;

O.K. Here we go. I'm gonna be frank and get down to the brass tax. I don't even freakin know whose apartment I was at on Friday night. I was all hopped up on Colt 45 and Poppers before I even got on the T. The quick stop for a massage in Chinatown didn't help any. Thank God the people who answered the third door-bell I rang had remembered seeing you cart a case of PBR and a couple of pumpkins upstairs earlier in the day and escorted me to the door.

Who knew Melanie was supposed to be the Virgin Mary? For Christ sake. I could have sworn she was supposed to be a harlot! Didn't the thought cross your mind at least once? Sure, I could have been a little bit more tactful about it, I went to the wedding, I know she's one of them born agains. I never should have asked her for some "sucky sucky." But I also didn't expect her to be so sensitive.

It was wrong of me to bring my crew of Bloods when most of your friends are Crips. Sorry.

About the roofies. I just want to say that I thought we were all pretty liberal in our thoughts about drug use. I mean, Jimmy was obviously trippin hard and there was a cloud of green smoke in the pantry. Oh, but I'm the bad guy. I guess roofies just aren't "hip" enough for you and your crowd. You can't tell me that we weren't going in that direction anyway, I just thought I would speed up the process.

Oh, yeah, no one drank the last bit of that punch, right?

Well I'm glad I could clear the air. Water under the bridge is just that, isn't it? I hope this doesn't screw up our plans for Kareoke or anything, cause it's always a good time and stuff. Tell Tim that I promise I'll get him a new pair of pants as soon as I get paid this week. I'm sorry he had to walk home that way.

Can I get "Baby Spice's" number? I think I may owe her an apology as well.

Thanks for understanding,

Klutch.xls a.k.a. Buckethead

P.S. We're planning a Vegan Thanksgiving, and if all is forgiven, we'd like you to join us.

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