2001:May:14
2001
Perhaps none of you would understand, but as a wife, I'm a f-ing joke today. Literally. You know how there's this image of the nagging wife who nags after her husband to spend time with her. Well that bitch is me. What an embarrassment I am. I wouldn't even be writing about it if it were an isolated incident, but I'm a repeat offender. At certain times, I really really really resent when my husband chooses to spend a great amount of time playing with his toys (is that my demeaning phraseology?) instead of playing with me. This happens EVEN IF I've had four hours alone with him. AND I realize that I'm very lucky and that my whines are quite trivial compared to other relationships. I'm especially lucky that he HAS a job, and I know that this job will end and with it's end will come loads of free time (but to be honest this really never happens. He's the type that MUST busy himself at all times. I'm the type that lives in my mind). BUT they are feelings that I have, and I feel that I MUST tell my husband the way I feel. Every time I tell him though, this mild mannered man reacts like I had burned his manhood and used the ashes for a facial mask. This in turn makes me feel like a pitiful drug addict. There really aren't any solutions to our quandary. I have as much as six waking hours a day where I have all the time in the world to do anything. This is normal for most people. When he's working, he has thirty minutes to two hours to do what he wants. The easy solution would be for me to get some friends to fill my time with. The problem is that I don't really like spending time with anyone more than Mark. I get almost like withdrawal from being away from him, and I want to binge on him when he's back. Then, when I've had my fill of him, I'm ready for company with other people. I think they may even call this a Catch-22. I drive him crazy just with my modified need. Imagine how resentful he'd be if he realized how much time I view as "letting him have his time". Mark certainly couldn't fulfill every friend need I have, but I do seem to need him to keep me from falling into self-flagellation and my abyss. I'm naturally a very negative and socially insecure person. If I hadn't found Mark at the last possible minute, I wouldn't be at all surprised if I would have killed myself or lived dead. When he found me, I was one of those plants that hadn't been watered in months. I'm still so afraid of droughts. I'm still like that in that I seem to need to be watered once a week and then I'm happy to just exist. But if I'm given just a little water, I won't be full speed until I have that drenching water. (I'm so domestic now that I'm using houseplant references). So yeah, there's our big problem. I'm not strictly as "cool" as I advertise. While I'm not clingy and possessive generally, I do need undiluted, lazy time with my beloved, or I become a raving bitch. As far as giving him his time, yes that's something I HAVE to do to keep my lover sane, but it's not something that comes easy to me when I'm operating from a deficit. (If I sound incredibly maudlin, it's probably because I'm overdosing on a huge hormone cocktail right now. What is this? Ayeconfess.com?).
