2001:June:26
2001
I've discovered about me, me, me that of all the qualities in friends that I dislike - the most annoying one is lack of self-irony. (In that movie "Reality Bites" the only part I remember was the Ethan Hawke character being able to define irony without pausing even a beat.) People are great, flawed, and human. I much prefer when people realize how ridiculous it all is -especially to care about their masks (even though we all do - yes even me). I'm aware of my own hypocrisy up to a certain point, more importantly, I'm aware of the irony of me even saying such a thing: the arrogance, the fact that there's hypocrisy that I harbour of which I would not even be aware. I mean look at me, I'm the one who blabs about buddism or TRUTH, and I think because I tell the truth about myself, people can't hurt me (and to be honest, I haven't yet had this notion overturned, but I am perfectly willing to realize that it may come back to slap my ass.) It never fails to engage me when people start dogging on people or relating a catty story and have never considered self-applying the age old maxim "people in glass houses...". I think it's fine to gossip. It's pretty much how we learn. My main reason for socializing is because I love all the rich stories that every person embodies, and I love that they tell me. But, I realize that many people probably consider me a total freak case (Jungle's Kristen and Verena spring to mind). Many people probably consider me a bit of a flapper/hoyden/bitch(see above & Steve Fox?). Many people probably think I'm completely wide-open, balls to the walls, not shy at all, take no prisoners (I tried to make this a catch-all/rule of three category). You know what? Catch me on a certain mood, and any of them could be correct. It fascinates me, me, me how utterly different you consider yourself than how other people probably consider you. You know who I REALLY am? I'm dying/living for as many people as possible to find out and love me. I'm a little girl named Kristy whose parents got a divorce when she was three, whose father frightened the hell out of her sexually, who felt like an alien within her own family, loved her grandmother but was devastated by what her young mind perceived as abandonment in senility, harbours a lifelong desire for her repressed mother to become real and to see her for who she is and love her without wanting to improve her, who learned to not tell friends at school all her thoughts as they labeled her "weird", who had no -what she considered- "best friend" until the senior year of high school, met ONE person who knows her totally and loved her without her many masks on and her life began to take a turn for the better blah, blah, blah. Kristy will be entertained for life because she discovered a thought pattern in her brain that she could switch on and make it all into the funny and ironic "Story of Her Life". Aren't you all like this? And isn't it ironic? Although, I must confess, I'm no Ethan Hawke.
