2001:August:15
2001
I'm in a hurry to watch ZENA stoned - which comes on at 6... anyway, this little posting is something I created because I'm too much of a loser to rise above using letters to FRIENDS as material.
I can so hear you talk when I read your e-mails.
OK, so I just learned how to copy and paste words on a macintosh. I can stay on my home/mac computer and "tie up the line" as much as I want, but at work, I have to copy and paste..... anyway, I just erased the letter I had just written you because it was so "interesting" I wanted to put it on The Words of Kristen, but I erased it because I hit ALT+C. I guess that teaches me not to be so "public".
I basically just said that you caught me in a really honest mood and I had just written Leslie an honest e-mail. It's all about how worried I am that Mark is making an attempt at a HUGE SCARY career change out of NECESSITY to have income coming in because he's the MAIN provider and I'm the lazy, crap-job partner leaning on him while I change to a low-paying career. I feel sooooo sexistly guilty. I'm also worried about the next fold in the texture. What's coming up for me and working and going to school and debt, etc. I'm also a bit tired of the constant skipping record of all my "interesting, intelligent, frustrated, too busy making money to LIVE THEIR REAL LIFE geniuses" (myself way included) conversations I seem to be having. I just feel like "one hand clapping" out there mostly. And what an arrogant thing for me to say.
So the letter I erased went a bit like that. I skim over it when I'm done, and have a moment of panic at writing you something so "DEEP" (and this is the good part) because I thought to myself "oh my god, she's an ARIES. She'll never understand!!!!!!" I was like, I'll just cut this out and paste it in 'Kristen's Words' and not tell who it was to or maybe send it to her to because it's horrifying to have to wrestle with something because you so BELIEVE in something like Astrology." So I was basically covering my bases.
I'm trying to be Buddhist. I honestly feel a sense of I was going to say "peace" but, it doesn't seem the right word". Buddhism is more like opening my eyes to the "game/the wheel/ human existance", but then again, I could have it all wrong.
Ah well, I hope Cameron's tummy gets better. Maybe this will give him his life-changing awake look into hisself. (I almost put "much needed" in front of "life-changing", but I thought that was incredibly nosy - which is something I soooo am, and am puzzled that I even am thinking "oh wow, this will be a good 'post' on Kristen's Words. If anyone reads my arrogant shit". ) (I almost put "hate myself" in place of "hate" which was the word I had before I put "puzzled" in the preceeding sentence). I feel like a freak for being soooo OPEN of myself.
How strange, Beth. It's like I
